L-Carnitine + Taurine + Ginseng + B Vitamins

Maybe it's cause I'm running on low batteries (haven't slept since yesterday afternoon), but I've spent the past hour weighing in on my career path and whether I'm on the right track... while at work, looking at job openings.

I'm good at my job. The thing is, I don't like it. I've tried to find at least 1 reason to like it. None. Maybe it's the environment. Maybe it's because I don't get along with anybody here. I'm good with my team project-wise, but we have nothing in common. They are married with kids. They have their own lives to deal with. The people that are my age are at the other building, but my current position demands my undivided attention.

I know these are selfish reasons. I know I don't have to make friends at work. But I don't really have anybody to go home to. I don't have friends I'd like to hang out with near me. The friends that are near don't like the things I do. I'm at the point where I'm done trying to fit in. Fuck compromises. The only reason I'm still living at home is because of the familiarity that family brings. Just being around someone you feel safe with. I have the means to live alone, but I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

There are times where I want to be surrounded by friends or people, just in general. Half the reason I still bother to go to malls and the theaters is so I can hear other people's voices besides mine. The same with clubs. I don't go alone to enjoy. Just having people around is comforting.

Then there are times where I just want to shut everyone out. Sometimes I don't like having company when I'm watching movies. I've avoid my friend Titus for almost four months. He's the one who invited me out of nowhere cause him and his coworkers need a designated driver to go clubbing. Any other time, I would have joined him. That time, I declined. I was being selfish. I didn't want the hassle.

Don't know if I'm mad at the world or myself. I can't really use the "still not over my ex" excuse. That ship sailed long time ago. It probably made me sadder when I was no longer heartbroken a few months after the break up. That probably became my drawn out heartache. I don't know. I was so broken, it probably broke me. Is that why I don't know? Was I saddened it ended or maddened I wasted my time? Were my emotions fueled by the life, I thought, un-lived?

I have a good job that's safe for the current economy with great pay. I'm single and have all the time in the world, yet I'm not happy. That's depression. I'm not sure if I am. Why do I make excuses? Is "it" really what it is? Am I at fault? I don't know anymore. I know I'm not scared of being close to people. Why do I feel like I push them away?

Friends and family are getting married and having babies left and right, forging new connections, starting anew. Why this self-burdened reflection on my life comparing others? Why this self-imposed image of what I am? Had, have or will?

I've been alone in the house for 2 weeks. Never have I felt so free and so lonely. I graduated college 5 years ago. I'm still me... Older, wiser, heavier, angry, hopeful, alone.

Maybe it's just the caffeine taking.

I'm done.

Street Spirit (Fade Out)

It's been a while. More than a year, actually. Enjoy.

Kind of what I've been feeling lately, about Xanga and outside.

I'm done.

How I Feel at Work

Rebirth of the Blog

For the past few weeks, I've been importing a few of my noteworthy posts from my Xanga account, just in case things don't work out with the fundraiser. There are some thought-provoking and personal posts that I'm still undecided on whether to import them here or not. The difference between Blogger and Xanga is that you can write protected posts that a select few, of your choosing, is allowed to read. There's no such thing on Blogger.

I could, in practice, make a private personal blog here and only allow certain subscribers on this blog that want to be included. It's just too much of a hassle, to be honest. Not to mention the fact that only a few Xangans I know have blogger. The rest are holed up in Tumblr or figuring out Wordpress.

Late in May this year, the Xanga Team announced that they'll be holding a fundraiser until July 15th to raise money for the migration of Xanga into WordPress. Not too sure on the details, but from what I understood, Xanga will be WordPress powered. No longer will Xanga have to maintain their own servers via a network facility, which can get pretty expensive when you own the software yourself. With WordPress, The Xanga Team don't have to worry about the Xanga software. With WordPress, they just need to customize the site to match the features that Xanga provided and then some. Xanga 2.0, many Xangans said.

Many Xangans have volunteered on their own time to promote awareness of the Xanga Fundraiser:

• Creating fundraisers of their own to donate to the overall fundraiser.
• In talks with the Xanga Team and constant updates on where everything is now.
• Blog Talk Radio among Xangans (nearly famous and infamous) discussing the Fundraiser, what to look forward to or what's next. I was one of the interviewees last week on Thursday: http://tobtr.com/s/4937707
• Trolling Reddit... to name a few.

As far as contingency plans go, I only have Blogger for now. I do have Tumblr and Twitter, but they don't have the same format that I used my Xanga blog for. Blogger is a close second, if that. I've had this site since 2009. I didn't post as many content in here as I did on Xanga. It's hard to replicate the community on Xanga. It's like the little engine that could.

I really hope we raise the money. If not, I really hope the Xanga Team will still go forward with their plan to move with Xanga 2.0 on WordPress.

I'm done.

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