Christmas work week

This work week leading up to Christmas will only be 3 days for me. We have 24th as a holiday and of course, Christmas day.

What sucks is that these three days will hurt the crap out of my team. Most of the people in the office are already on vacation. Some of our team leads will not be here at all. We are left to tend to our application. I just don't feel secure enough to have this system entrusted to my team and I (the new joiners from February). This is going to hurt a little bit.

Snowstorm kept almost everyone at home. I'll be walking funny tomorrow for lack of sleep and my hips and back are hurting from shoveling 28 inches of snow in the driveway.

More responsibilities

So I'm the "hot" commodity at the moment in my team. I'm being pulled by App Support, Build Team and Technical Architecture. I'm learning a lot of stuff and at the same time I'm doing different kinds of work besides the mundane tasks of doing change requests. It's a good thing career-wise. I'm definitely going to stand out of my peers and do great things. However, I'm doing more work. It keeps my mind occupied at least.

That's just my thought of the day.

3 days... 8 hours of sleep

I don't care about overtime pay... I just want some sleep.

Busy Body

Haven't blogged in 5 days or less. Been so busy with work. This week I'll be on call. I'm also coding for 3 people because they left during the build phase and I have to cover their leftover code. Other than that, I'm thrilled for my new car. I got in on Friday. It looks mean. I'll reveal all later when I have time to take pictures and whatnots. I'm still undecided on what to call "it."

Anyway, I went to Octoberfest at the Maryland State Fair. Lots of lederhosens and beer maiden costumes (sorry, I don't know what the term for the women's costume is). They had all kinds of beer there. I got to eat potato pancakes, bratwurst, spicy Italian sausage and some sweet, sweet popcorn. I should have bought a large bag... it would have lasted me the entire day. I couldn't stay long because I had to go to the car dealer and install the wheel locks. Overall it was a good day. Then I had to go to work on Sunday to code. My team lead and co-worker was there since Saturday night. Good thing they didn't have to stay another day.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm being a busy-body this week. Hopefully everything settles down.

I still need to see Paranormal Activities and other movies I've missed.

Besides being on call and the upcoming date auction for Asian Student Connection at UMBC, I don't have any other plans this week.

I'm done.

Why?

After all this time... why?

I haven't heard from her since she blocked/removed me from facebook. I thought I was doing great. And yet, when she comments on our friend's status or wall (even though I don't see her profile picture or info, I can still see her name) my heart skips a beat and it feels like I'm dying a little inside.

I've broken my small toe. Sprained my ankles multiple times without going to the doctor. Fell from a tree when a branch broke. Jumped from a moving vehicle and scraped myself silly rolling 20+ feet on the hot asphalt downhill. I shrugged them off even when blood was dripping from my wounds. Then why do I feel so weak when it involves her? She was my source of power and courage. My sunlight. Why now does she have to be my weakness...my Kryptonite?

I'm trying not to run out of options to staying calm and be peace-minded. Talking about it here is just not cutting it anymore.

I need to get out of this...

I'm done.

10 and 12

#10 - Attend a concert.

So my sister invited me to a concert from her church group in Georgetown.  I must say it was a great experience.  It's not the usual rowdy crowd because it was held in one of the theater halls inside Georgetown University and the audience mostly consisted with members from Agape.  There was another gathering of students inside 2 floors down from where the concert was.  We stuck out from the student population like two peas in a pod.  Don't know if that made sense... don't care :)  It won't be my last, but I'm glad I accomplished that.

#12 - Buy a car

Semi-relief

I'm really glad I'm not on-call for the migration on October 10. Then again, I'll be the one creating these requests. I really hope I don't have to stay up late for this...

Why Declining An Open Relationship Was the Best Decision I Ever Made?

In 3-4 days, it will be 6 months since my ex and I broke up. To be honest, I already knew it would happen eventually and noticed all the subtle and non-subtle hints a few months before that. I kept telling myself I would be okay. She would blame her parents, her work and her grad-school online classes for being too busy. Her nagging parents didn't stop her from going out with me in the first place, so why having more reasons trying to spend a lot more time away with me when we would only see each other once a day in the weekend? I understand her predicament. As a best friend, I support her for everything. As a boyfriend, it tended to get lonely.

work sucks ass

When I get back to work on Tuesday, I'll be faced with an onslaught of failed app jobs, CRs, possible ECRs, testing, more testing and time management.

Sucks ass.

Projection

It's dark.
I see a silhouette.
It looks like a boy.
The surrounding lightens up a bit.
I can see his face.
He looks lost.
He wanders around walking forward with no clear path in front of him.
His eyes tired. Heavy. Sad.
With no place to go, he goes up every door he could find.
He gestures forward as if to knock.
He raises his arm with clenched-fists.
His fist stops inches from the door.
He hesitates.
He's scared of

New Song

Did I tell you guys that I'm a Taylor Swift fan? If not, then here's an announcement.

I LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT!!!

Anyway, currently digging her new song that's on my playlist right now. I went online and looked for the chords and tabs on the guitar. Just like her previous song "Love Story" there's a capo set on this song. Love Story was played with capo on 2nd fret. This song is played with capo on 4th fret. I couldn't stand it not sounding like the song, so I went to Target after work yesterday and bought a capo.

I've been going back and fourth with playing the piano and guitar. I've been singing a lot more just like when I was little. I guess I could say I accomplished another item on my 101 list. I also got drunk (a little bit) during my work's happy hour two weeks ago... so I guess that counts.

04. Improve playing piano and guitar
45. Get Drunk

I'm done.

Again and Again

Of all the places why does she insist on shopping on places where she knows there's a high chance I'll run into her?

As soon as I was walking along the handbag section towards the men's section, there she was. As I said before, I'm keeping my distance. So I didn't even bother going up to her and saying "hey." I just kept walking like I didn't see her or anything. If that was mean, then I'm sorry. My reasoning is because if I was to go to her and say "hi," then I make myself look like the creep. Call me childish, but she's the one who told me to leave her alone... so I'm leaving her alone.

Feeling Lost

This isn't one of my "ex-broke-up-with-me-and-I'm-being-miserable-because-I'm-depressed-and-tired-and-angry-and-sad-and-want-to-vent-because-I-have-no-other-output-for-the-time-being" post... or is it? It's a mixture of both. It's something different.

Digital SLR or Camcorder

I've been debating in my head on whether to get a digital SLR or a camcorder. For one, my other camera is old and the battery lasts for less than 2 hours of continued shooting. I've been thinking about getting a digital SLR because for some reason I've been wanting to take professional looking pictures.

On one hand, I also want to get a camcorder so I can start creating my videoblogs or start putting the skits and other random things I've been thinking about into videoform. Who knows. Maybe I'll be the next Tay Zonday (Chocolate Rain) or Happyslip.

Both of these have their purpose and I can easily just buy them both. However, both of these things are also unnecessary. I don't know which one to get. Maybe I can add it on my wishlist.

I hate dreaming sometimes

I had another dream. This time, we were lying down on the bed, side by side, and she asked me to marry her. I don't remember much about it, but I remember being very, very happy. Then I woke up.

Maybe it's because there was a marriage proposal scene on the "GI Joe" movie I watched yesterday.

My point is, I'm tired of feeling depressed and lonely. It sucks that every time I dream of her I lose my composure and get bummed out.

I'm done.

Desperate to talk to someone

"The only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is when I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just WISHING that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that NONE of you idiots realize how lucky you are." - JD from Scrubs

Call me an attention seeker. I'm too depressed to defend myself. I don't give a shit about how it takes time to heal a broken heart.

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me when I just recently received news that my dad in the Philippines had a stroke and needed immediate medical attention because of complications of his diabetes. On top of that, it was my first time being the primary on-call person at my job and it had to be one of the busiest on-call week.

Quite frankly, I'm surprised I'm still alive today. I was on the edge... close to sleeping myself forever with the broken shards of glass near my computer from my broken window that still needs fixing.

Yes, I have my family, but I don't want my mom to see me cry anymore. She has a bad heart and I don't want to burden her. So there. I just made a rant thinking it would help. But it didn't. I'm still lonely and depressed.

I'm done.

Rewarded

So I just found out today in my email that I got rewarded by my project manager for building my technical capability. I integrated myself pretty into the team and picking up complex application knowledge allowing myself to help the team leads with tasks assigned.

It's great being recognized by your hardwork. I just do what I have to do and I'm in no way only doing this so I can get a reward. Having a job is a reward on it's own.

Not much else to say but thanks.

I'm done.

Mom's Highschool Reunion

The entire family went to Virginia for my mom's high school reunion. It was great meeting my mom's classmates. I knew most of them before cause they now work together in the same company. the other classmates came from Florida, Minnesota and Pennsylvania. We spent the entire day at my uncle's house. I must have sang over 30 songs in the karaoke machine. Sometime before 9PM, we had a program were the kids were playing piano and violin. It consisted of classical pieces first and then popular music. I wasn't part of the program, but they needed someone to sing the "You're Still You" by Josh Groban accompanied by piano. I knew the song so they made me sing and flip the sheet music. Just like when I was onstage during the masquerade, I wasn't nervous. I just sang to the best of my ability. It turned out pretty well. I had fun by creating "fun" for myself and others around me. Overall, I liked the entire day and it was great seeing my relatives again and new people.

44. Learn to let go
88. Learn to take a complement

I'm done.

Work Work Work

More work and more work. It keeps me occupied and stops from me thinking and pondering about stupid things from the past. I'm tired of crying and I'm trying to do anything fun as much as I can... the problem: they're only temporary and after the fun is gone, I'm back to my depressing self.

I've been given more tasks at work as our team lead trusts me with a lot of stuff right now. I'm getting a lot of stuff accomplished. I should be happy, but I'm not. How can I enjoy this if I have nobody to celebrate this with?

Reprieve

For everyone... I'm sorry if I bothered and annoyed you...

Saturday

So I went to a cookout in Centennial Park on Saturday from 2 to about 6pm. It was great. It was a different crowd this time around, but still as fun as last time. the kabobs were really nice. Lin and I shared a kabob and Danny said to stop teasing Lin. I just think he's jealous :)

We stayed later than 5pm for a bit. There was a watermelon that was left over by this other group. The dad came back to pick it up, but he ended up dropping it and it partially broke. So he walked towards us and just gave it. So we had our free watermelon before we left.

My past keeps haunting me

Even though my family left the Philippines all the way to the US, my past still haunts me. It seems like there's no escaping it. No matter how much I try to distance myself, it's always at the corner of your eye waiting to startle you and make everything you've built to be strong to fall apart.

Dad in the Philippines calls/texts me asking for money for a business he wants to start. Then he texts me making me feel guilty for only helping him when he was in prison or when he got really sick and saying why I'm not helping him now.

My Otakon 09 Masquerade Performance

So Otakon has ended.  I enjoyed every minute of it.  I went for the entire 3 day event.  I took a lot of pictures (note: I need to upload them to my photobucket account, making sure there's no limit).

So many new things I did this year:
- I cosplayed (dressed up) as Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist and got into a Fullmetal Alchemist photoshoot.
- Attended a panel (first time attending one).
- Took a lot more photos this year than before.
- Masquerade performance.
- Sang karaoke in the Otacafe.

Now to my masquerade skit.  I was just thinking about possible things to add to my 101 list of things to do.  At the same time, I was really thinking about doing a skit on the Masquerade event.  It was just a thought.  I never thought that I would go so far to actually performing on stage.  I only had about 2 months of planning for my skit.  Not bad for a big event.

#16 and #19

This weekend at Otakon 2009, if I make it in, I will be fulfilling #16 and #19 of my "101 Things To Do Before You Die" list.  I'm actually thinking about incorporating a lot of the stuff in my list and put it in another one that's called "101 things in 1001 days."  I think it gives me more incentive and focus to have a set time and date to complete them.

16) Perform onstage (solo)
19) Entertain people

The Dream

I had that dream again. After about 5-6 weeks of not having that dream, why did I have to dream it again?

I was so happy when I was dreaming. Being with her and being able to hold her in my arms and hug her. I don't even remember what the dream was about. All I remember is that I was happy being with her. Then I woke up. I felt like not getting up to work. I wish I didn't wake up at all. Overall, the day was particularly crappy. Really busy at work. At least that took my mind off of my dream.

Missing Them

I've been avoiding this subject for a good 3+ months. I was very depressed when for the first 2 months. The last 4-5 weeks have been a very rough recovery. The only thing I could do is to keep myself busy with work, do as much as I can by myself and just enjoy life like I used to when I was just single.

Anyway, back to the topic. I know I shouldn't be feeling this. I miss my ex-girlfriend's family. I miss them all.

Positive Output

This person I subscribe to in Xanga talked about how we want to look good for someone we like. This reminded me of what I learned in Psych 101. I forgot the proper psychological term (any psych majors need your help) but it has something to do with producing a positive output out of something. The example the professor gave to the class at that time was "instead of hitting on your teacher whom you have a crush on, why not study and get good grades so she'll praise and notice you more." I think I was the only one in class that was doing a fake laugh at the time cause that's exactly what I did in high school.

My July 4th Story

July 4th has no meaning to me. I know that it's independence day, but I don't really relate to it because my independence day is June 12th in the Philippines. However, I understand why this day is important. It's the day the US was born and became a unified country. Knowing it's importance is good enough for me. My 4th of July story has nothing to do with the holiday, though.

There was an open invitation for the 4th of July cookout in Centennial Park from 9AM to 7PM. I initially planned to go. After hearing sad news from relatives in the Philippines, I hesitated and thought I shouldn't go. I don't know what made me change my mind a few hours later. I decided to go.

Rough Week/My Anime Doppelgänger

Rough Week

If it wasn't for the 3-day July 4th weekend, I'll probably be really pissy in the weekend.

Monday started with a full day... of work. The rest of the entire work week was all about ECRs, CRs, and SRs. So I don't get in trouble and to make a long story short, I was saving everyone's behinds and making sure everyone is on top of things. I don't think I can get any more vague than that. I can only speak for myself when I say that I've never been more busy at work for 4 days straight. The other times when I'm busy is during the weekends and late night phone calls when I'm the primary for the week. For some reason something always happens when I'm on call. However, I'm not on call this week and everything seems to be happening just as they would happen if I was the primary. I guess that is a good thing. Either way, I was still busy. If it wasn't for some of my co-workers and Yee in being able to talk to her, I'd probably go "postal" (inside joke of mine).

Weird Kid

Word of advice to all readers: This will be a heavy reflection on a significant part of my childhood that I know has guided me to what I am right now as an adult. So sorry if I ramble too much.

I was a weird kid growing up. People might have a different view on it, but for me I was definitely a weird kid. I'm saying this because I seem to have a different taste on different things. My approach to food, songs, movies, TV shows and cultures were always at odds with my siblings and cousins.

When I was little, we only had at most 4 channels on TV. We had the top two competing channels ABS-CBN (2) and GMA (7). There also was the RPN9 channel. There was another one which I think is IBF, but I barely remember cause all we get was static. Anyway, RPN9 was the only channel that broadcasts more foreign shows. They had a dedicated time slot on Sunday mornings till mid-afternoon. Before I even knew about other cultures, I was already fascinated with Chinese cinema and drama. This was before I even knew that I have Chinese ancestry. To an extent, I was into Chinese culture at such a young age.

101 Things to Do Before You Die

Inspired to come up with my own list.
-----------------------------------------------------

Friends vs Acquaintances

People throw the word friend around too lightly. Whoever is reading, you can call me out on this about your personal opinion on friends and acquaintances.

Ever since I was young, I've met many people that have come and gone. I called them friends. But were my connections with them really what you define friendship? To be precise, the actual term is acquaintance. People tend to get offended by this word and hardly ever use it in social surroundings. Heck, even social networking sites like myspace and facebook let you add and label people as "friends" and not "acquaintances." To be honest, I'd be offended if someone was to tell me that I'm their acquaintance and not a friend. There's such a heavy emphasis on word choices we make that we as a society end up using the wrong term in order not to offend anyone. I'm also at a lose with my viewpoint on friends vs acquaintances. I understand the differences between both concepts. It's easy for me to say if a person or a group of people I hang out with are friends or acquaintances. In practice, I consider them friends even though we have nothing in common. Actions speak louder than words, I guess.

True friendships are born out of time, experience and the emotional connection that you feel towards an individual. A friend is someone who has built a deep connection with you and developed mutual trust, support and effort rather than circumstances. A friend is someone who accepts and appreciates you for who you are. That's the very definition of friendship. In society, we made this term into a superlative we now refer to as "best friend."

Acquaintance: another word literally being erased in modern language and buried in the graveyard dictionary of dead words. Our society is so politically correct and always wants to please everyone that we assigned this unique word a negative connotation. Acquaintance has been replaced by friend. Friend has been replaced by "best friend." Call me a cynic. I find it as another example of the bastardization of the English language. There are just some people that I would rather call an acquaintance, granted a negative connotation is in place. Call me hypocrite. I'm just a hypocrite like everyone else. The only difference: I acknowledge the difference.

Despite all this, I believe you can turn an acquaintance into a true friend. That's what making friends is about. Nobody starts out as friends. You start out as acquaintances. It is up to you and that individual if you want to further this connection from acquaintance to friend. so many "good acquaintances" disappear as soon as some experiences real problems. Sometimes, people are so involved with so much personal stuff that they fail to see their true friends. People who stick around you no matter what the circumstances are your true friends. These are the people we remember and appreciate the most. Without even realizing it, you have a friend.

As a hypocrite of my own volition, I consider myself to have many friends and a few best friends. In reality, I'd rather just have fun with them. We put too much emphasis on labels.

I'm done.

Wet Happy Hour

Not what you are thinking (tsk tsk). It's Diversity month in my company this June. Happy hour was after work from 6-9pm. Bad weather. It almost looked like it wasn't going to rain. Then it just dropped everything in the afternoon. Tstorming. Still went anyway with my team lead. What a relief after yesterday and today morning's events.

They had a wii console out for us. They also had ping pong and a pool table in our private section. Got so tempted to play. I told my team lead I haven't played billiards in a while. He said that's what pool sharks say. I thought it was funny. I don't wanna lie. I'm actually good at the game... a bit frayed and rusty on the side, though.

I ended up playing the Diversity bingo sheets with Y. It's like a bingo board except there attributes in each cell of the 5x5 sheet. We find a coworker who's name tag lists a different country which have different attributes when it comes to greetings, manners, gestures and whatnots.

Went home early at 8:30. Y guessed I'd get home at 10. I actually got home at exactly 10PM... Lucky guess.

That's about it. Time for my sectional FMA marathons (actual marathons makes you tired).

I'm done.

Wraith of Anger

It's not as dramatic as my title, but I hate it when I get mad. I have the worst type of anger. Implosive anger is when you don't let your anger out and keep it inside. Suppressing it down until you can't take it anymore and you just pop (explode). I hate it when I make my family sad when I'm being indifferent. Lately I've been getting mad at the littlest things. There isn't even a reason for me to get mad, but for some reason I just get annoyed.

Earlier during dinner, I'm picking a fight again with my sister by being arrogant and talking as if I'm mad at something. I need to stop doing that. I don't know what to do. Everyone around me is getting affected. I'm just realizing that maybe I'm driving people away on purpose because I subconsciously want them to notice me and ask what's wrong. So far, only my mom can do that. My siblings are scared of me to ask me how I'm feeling. I don't want that. My friends are too chicken to ask. I'm second guessing whether they are really my friend or just acquaintances.

That's kind of the first reason why I don't like hanging out as much in the first place because I don't want to surround myself with people who say they are friends, but don't really act like one. Another reason is that I'm more of a loner than anything else... that's another topic. I am trying my best to make new friends, make amends and rebuild friendships that weren't really there. So far, it's been very productive and helping me deal with a lot of stresses in my life: work, peer pressure, romantic life (yes, I'm a hopeless romantic... deal with it).

If you haven't been following, my girlfriend and I recently broke up. I was really depressed. I had no one to talk to because I isolated myself so much that I would only hang out with my ex. Call my reasons stupid, but I was embarrassed because of my grades being low and not having a job until recently. I thank Y for pointing out the company to me last year. They had me on file and I started working in January. I'm wondering if Y got a bonus. I did tell the recruiters who recommended or introduced me to the company. In fact, I'm still a little bit depressed. However, my outlook in life has changed. To paraphrase a quote I read: men usually reach for the moon for something great and fail to see the flowers blooming at their feet.

When a door closes, a new one opens. It's up to us to go inside that door.

I'll end this post with the words from Fears.Regrets.Desires.

FEARS -

Dying. Flying. Public speaking. Everyone's afraid of something, but few have the guts to confess. Are you brave enough?

REGRETS -

Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. Why would you waste your time crying over spilled milk when you should just get over it? You could start with a confession.

DESIRES -
Sex. Drugs. Rock-n-Roll. You seem like a typical boy or girl next door, but there's a whole different person behind that locked door. Confessing is the key.

Either talk to a real person (friend, family, psychiatrist, etc) or some form of output to release and confess what you want to say (diary, journal, blogs, etc)... it really helps with unloading all that baggage. If we are to name one useful thing that Internet has given us, it's the ability to vent.

I'm done.

It's about a girl

Girlfriend and I broke up almost 3 months ago. The first two months was the hardest. I couldn't sleep right. I was isolating myself. I was getting depressed. I'm surprised I actually survived when all I could think of was how did I let this happen. I just couldn't let her go. She was my first girlfriend and my first love. It saddens me that I can't talk to her like before because we started out as friends.

So the first two months were the hardest as I said before. I literally kept dreaming of her. In my dreams I was so happy. When I wake up I would start crying because it wasn't real. I don't know what's worse: Cutting my sleep so that I don't dream of her as much or wanting to sleep forever so I'll keep on dreaming. My friends tell me the same things: time heals. it takes time. don't think about it too much. My ex and another friend thinks I should find new friends. WTF? Not my fault we share the same friends.

That's pretty much all I thought about. Everything I am now is because she inspired me. She made me want to be a better person than I was. She made me happier than I ever thought I could be. Am I delusional to think such things? All I could think of was wanting to get back with her even though the chances of that happening are very low. I made it worse by being too clingy. I'm not lying when I say I love her. But is it really love? I hate that I'm second guessing myself because I don't even feel the love. It's more of I don't feel as attached as before. Is it a good thing?

All this rambling is caused by yesterday's unintentional meeting with my ex and friends. I was with my family and my dad decided to go to Target before heading home to buy RainEx windshield wipers. To kill time, I walked around and found my friends and my ex. Was it awkward? You bet. Did I start feeling emotional? Yes, but it wasn't the same as two months ago. Two months ago, every time we would meet up, my heart just dropped. This time, my mind was saying "Oh! She's here. Okay, time to move on."

I guess I am getting over her. I did want to move on, stand on my own two feet and walk like I used to. Keeping myself busy definitely helps. As a thinker, my mind wanders and wonders a lot. I'm doing a lot more now than I did in almost 4 years of my relationship with my ex.

- Spending time with family
- Quality time by myself
- Doing the things I like doing
- Making new friends
- Being productive
- etc.

I've rambled on far too long. I'll end this post with a quote from the movie "Up."

"Thank you for the adventure. Now find a new one."

I'm done.

New blog, new start

Hi.

I had a blogspot site before blogs became big. It was for my high school's International Students Organization. I volunteered to create a site for the club: http://lrhs-iso.blogspot.com/ . It doesn't exist anymore. archive.org probably has it on file.

So, my name is stupidsystemus. The original is stupid_systemus. I've had this username for about 10 years now. I was trying to register an email account in Yahoo and all the names I wanted to register were already taken. This back in 1999. I got mad at the site's suggestions to twist my name to something else so it is unique. I was trying to register something max and their suggestion was something maximus. I thought to myself: "this is a stupid system." I was in a hurry and decided to name my yahoo email stupid_systemus. Every since then, this name has stuck.

I wonder: How did other people came up with their usernames?

I'm done.