Woken Up When September Ends

Another month has come and passed.
The gloomy days, they never last.
Woken up when September ends.

What can I say?

For the most part, September has been autumnal: Rainy and gloomy. Not much has happened. I went shopping at an outlet mall with my youngest sister and parents on Labor day. Besides that, there's the part where my job contract with our client ended. I've been on bench now for almost a month. I've been looking for work in other companies. This "headhunter" company has been working with me to get a job that's contract to permanent, depending on project needs. They got me a job interview at T. Rowe Price. The interview went well, but they're looking for someone more senior and with more experience.

Why?

After all this time... why?

I haven't heard from her since she blocked/removed me from facebook. I thought I was doing great. And yet, when she comments on our friend's status or wall (even though I don't see her profile picture or info, I can still see her name) my heart skips a beat and it feels like I'm dying a little inside.

I've broken my small toe. Sprained my ankles multiple times without going to the doctor. Fell from a tree when a branch broke. Jumped from a moving vehicle and scraped myself silly rolling 20+ feet on the hot asphalt downhill. I shrugged them off even when blood was dripping from my wounds. Then why do I feel so weak when it involves her? She was my source of power and courage. My sunlight. Why now does she have to be my weakness...my Kryptonite?

I'm trying not to run out of options to staying calm and be peace-minded. Talking about it here is just not cutting it anymore.

I need to get out of this...

I'm done.

I hate dreaming sometimes

I had another dream. This time, we were lying down on the bed, side by side, and she asked me to marry her. I don't remember much about it, but I remember being very, very happy. Then I woke up.

Maybe it's because there was a marriage proposal scene on the "GI Joe" movie I watched yesterday.

My point is, I'm tired of feeling depressed and lonely. It sucks that every time I dream of her I lose my composure and get bummed out.

I'm done.