In 3-4 days, it will be 6 months since my ex and I broke up. To be honest, I already knew it would happen eventually and noticed all the subtle and non-subtle hints a few months before that. I kept telling myself I would be okay. She would blame her parents, her work and her grad-school online classes for being too busy. Her nagging parents didn't stop her from going out with me in the first place, so why having more reasons trying to spend a lot more time away with me when we would only see each other once a day in the weekend? I understand her predicament. As a best friend, I support her for everything. As a boyfriend, it tended to get lonely.
Back when I was single before I met her, I never thought I'd be so lonely for not seeing another person in a day. Despite the stupid bickering and arguing, every time I hear her voice over the phone when we're away from each other, it puts a smile on my face. You know what? I even miss the bickering and arguing. We got to know each other's ups and downs. Everything was good as it seems... but not quite.
She started asking me about what I would do if we broke up. She started talking about spending less time together. From only seeing each other once a week after we graduated, to once every other week. I tried my best to be patient because she's having a rough time with grad-school, work and parents. Things got heated and on the 21st in March, we talked and argued on the phone and she broke up with me. You know how you say mean things to make someone feel bad? She did that to me. She said she didn't love me anymore and she wants to see other people. Whether that's true or not, I couldn't tell at that point because she was saying different things when I tried to keep everything together. I may not know the whole truth, but I'm not stupid and it was very clear she likes someone. I don't think I stopped crying that day.
Anyway, Everything was falling apart right in front of me. It was the worst day of my life. Having the thought that she broke up with me, having been awake since 3:15AM the following morning in the morning because it was my first time as the primary on-call person at work. At the same time, I learned from the Philippines my dad was admitted to the hospital for having high blood sugar levels. I'm grateful that I was able to survive that day. Nobody should have to go through a day like that. That Saturday Night, my ex talked about making the relationship work as an open relationship. The following Sunday afternoon, I asked her to come to my house. I was begging and pleading for her to stay with me, but she wouldn't. I asked her that we hug and cuddle and that I could kiss her one last time. It was awkward. Trying to kiss someone who's not kissing you back was the worst. While we cuddled, I asked her if she still considers having an open relationship. I was desperate to do anything to keep her. She agreed and it felt like I unloaded this huge burden in my chest. I felt relieved. She went home afterwards. 3-4 hours later as I watched TV in my room I got to thinking. Open relationship means we get to see other people while being together. There's one big problem here... I wasn't planning on seeing other people. I just started crying again. I called and declined her offer for an open relationship. I told her that we're either together as a couple or not at all. As much as I wanted to be with her, I didn't want to be in an open relationship because I would be throwing the love I built with her. After I got off the phone, I just cried and only had 3 hours of sleep.
In the morning she called and said she wanted to start over again. I was really happy and overjoyed, but it wasn't the same. She only wanted to see each other once or twice a month. Either it's her parents, her work or her school... I didn't care anymore. As depressed as I was, I had every right to be mad at her for jerking me around like that. She even had the audacity to tell me she's been wanting to leave me for months. After all those times we shared, she's telling me she's been lying to me. She used me. If she was really my friend, she would have left me back from the start. She was the one who kept nagging and saying that she would wait for me forever if we weren't together. She kept trying everything to keep me from leaving her because I wasn't interested in a relationship. The difference is, I cared enough to stay with her. In my recent situation, she didn't care about staying at all. She wanted me to leave her alone. She wanted me to find new friends to hang out with so that we don't see each other. She kept saying to stop talking to "her" friends. The sad part is, some of these so called "friends" aren't really your friends. They tell you the same thing... find new people to hang out with.
2-3 weeks after our break up, she starts hanging out with this mutual friend of ours by herself. Since she wanted to be friends, I would still talk to her, but it was awkward. She kept saying to mind my own business. I guess I was being too nosy. I couldn't help it. She starts hanging out with him a lot more and going to places I wanted to take her, but couldn't take her because she was held back by parents wanting her to do stuff and/or I was also occupied and/or being lazy. I mentioned my suspicion to her best friend and she lost it with her best friend. She yelled at her for talking to me. I guess I hit a mark. I noticed her being close with this guy months before we broke up. That's another reason why she didn't want to hang out with me when we were together. She wanted to hang out with her "friends."
Lately, this guy found a girlfriend. Around the same time she updates her status saying what she was hoping for not to happen happened and that she was let down. she said it's probably bad karma. Either it was related to this guy or not is debatable. I call it like I see it. I have eyes and ears and know what's going on even without someone saying it. She would write awkward responses to his posts and days later those responses would be deleted. Before this guy found a girlfriend, she said she wasn't angry anymore. We started talking more than before. Then for some reason she stops talking again. She told me to stop annoying her cousin and her friend, who just so happens to be my co-worker. My girlfriend just dumped me and I barely have any real "friends" (I don't think I even have real friends). If someone is willing to talk to me about anything, anime or manga, I'll take it. Her friend is that kind of person. We even cosplayed together in Otakon '09. Maybe I came on a little strong because her friend is getting a little annoyed. My ex was mad about it. It's none of her business anymore. I can talk to however I want to. I'm not ready for a relationship again. I wish I was as strong as this Barry Manilow lyrics... "and I'm ready to take a chance again." I'm not. It's too soon and I just want find happiness everywhere I can get and find them. And talking with my co-worker about anime/manga we both like.
Anyway, she blocked me in everything: Facebook, probably AIM. Her last message was ["Good luck finding someone who'll love you as much as I did."-hope your life is so much better now.] I really have no idea what she means. We haven't talk in almost 3 months. I'm trying not to think of her and I still have vivid dreams about us being together. Even when I'm not trying, even when I'm not thinking of her, I still dream about her. It's the worst. Everything just starts flowing back and the days of self-confidence and will-power I built up is drained away. I end up thinking about whether I should have stuck with having an open-relationship with her or declined it. No matter how much I wish to be with her, declining was the best decision I made.
I may have faults and weaknesses. I have an implosive temper that pops unpredictably. I have quirks and pet peeves. I'm not perfect. But there's one thing that people can count on. My loyalty. Open relationships goes against everything I stand for. It works for some people, but not for me. I can only be true and loyal to one person. That person is the one I love. One day, I am going to show that person my loyalty.
I'm done.
Back when I was single before I met her, I never thought I'd be so lonely for not seeing another person in a day. Despite the stupid bickering and arguing, every time I hear her voice over the phone when we're away from each other, it puts a smile on my face. You know what? I even miss the bickering and arguing. We got to know each other's ups and downs. Everything was good as it seems... but not quite.
She started asking me about what I would do if we broke up. She started talking about spending less time together. From only seeing each other once a week after we graduated, to once every other week. I tried my best to be patient because she's having a rough time with grad-school, work and parents. Things got heated and on the 21st in March, we talked and argued on the phone and she broke up with me. You know how you say mean things to make someone feel bad? She did that to me. She said she didn't love me anymore and she wants to see other people. Whether that's true or not, I couldn't tell at that point because she was saying different things when I tried to keep everything together. I may not know the whole truth, but I'm not stupid and it was very clear she likes someone. I don't think I stopped crying that day.
Anyway, Everything was falling apart right in front of me. It was the worst day of my life. Having the thought that she broke up with me, having been awake since 3:15AM the following morning in the morning because it was my first time as the primary on-call person at work. At the same time, I learned from the Philippines my dad was admitted to the hospital for having high blood sugar levels. I'm grateful that I was able to survive that day. Nobody should have to go through a day like that. That Saturday Night, my ex talked about making the relationship work as an open relationship. The following Sunday afternoon, I asked her to come to my house. I was begging and pleading for her to stay with me, but she wouldn't. I asked her that we hug and cuddle and that I could kiss her one last time. It was awkward. Trying to kiss someone who's not kissing you back was the worst. While we cuddled, I asked her if she still considers having an open relationship. I was desperate to do anything to keep her. She agreed and it felt like I unloaded this huge burden in my chest. I felt relieved. She went home afterwards. 3-4 hours later as I watched TV in my room I got to thinking. Open relationship means we get to see other people while being together. There's one big problem here... I wasn't planning on seeing other people. I just started crying again. I called and declined her offer for an open relationship. I told her that we're either together as a couple or not at all. As much as I wanted to be with her, I didn't want to be in an open relationship because I would be throwing the love I built with her. After I got off the phone, I just cried and only had 3 hours of sleep.
In the morning she called and said she wanted to start over again. I was really happy and overjoyed, but it wasn't the same. She only wanted to see each other once or twice a month. Either it's her parents, her work or her school... I didn't care anymore. As depressed as I was, I had every right to be mad at her for jerking me around like that. She even had the audacity to tell me she's been wanting to leave me for months. After all those times we shared, she's telling me she's been lying to me. She used me. If she was really my friend, she would have left me back from the start. She was the one who kept nagging and saying that she would wait for me forever if we weren't together. She kept trying everything to keep me from leaving her because I wasn't interested in a relationship. The difference is, I cared enough to stay with her. In my recent situation, she didn't care about staying at all. She wanted me to leave her alone. She wanted me to find new friends to hang out with so that we don't see each other. She kept saying to stop talking to "her" friends. The sad part is, some of these so called "friends" aren't really your friends. They tell you the same thing... find new people to hang out with.
2-3 weeks after our break up, she starts hanging out with this mutual friend of ours by herself. Since she wanted to be friends, I would still talk to her, but it was awkward. She kept saying to mind my own business. I guess I was being too nosy. I couldn't help it. She starts hanging out with him a lot more and going to places I wanted to take her, but couldn't take her because she was held back by parents wanting her to do stuff and/or I was also occupied and/or being lazy. I mentioned my suspicion to her best friend and she lost it with her best friend. She yelled at her for talking to me. I guess I hit a mark. I noticed her being close with this guy months before we broke up. That's another reason why she didn't want to hang out with me when we were together. She wanted to hang out with her "friends."
Lately, this guy found a girlfriend. Around the same time she updates her status saying what she was hoping for not to happen happened and that she was let down. she said it's probably bad karma. Either it was related to this guy or not is debatable. I call it like I see it. I have eyes and ears and know what's going on even without someone saying it. She would write awkward responses to his posts and days later those responses would be deleted. Before this guy found a girlfriend, she said she wasn't angry anymore. We started talking more than before. Then for some reason she stops talking again. She told me to stop annoying her cousin and her friend, who just so happens to be my co-worker. My girlfriend just dumped me and I barely have any real "friends" (I don't think I even have real friends). If someone is willing to talk to me about anything, anime or manga, I'll take it. Her friend is that kind of person. We even cosplayed together in Otakon '09. Maybe I came on a little strong because her friend is getting a little annoyed. My ex was mad about it. It's none of her business anymore. I can talk to however I want to. I'm not ready for a relationship again. I wish I was as strong as this Barry Manilow lyrics... "and I'm ready to take a chance again." I'm not. It's too soon and I just want find happiness everywhere I can get and find them. And talking with my co-worker about anime/manga we both like.
Anyway, she blocked me in everything: Facebook, probably AIM. Her last message was ["Good luck finding someone who'll love you as much as I did."-hope your life is so much better now.] I really have no idea what she means. We haven't talk in almost 3 months. I'm trying not to think of her and I still have vivid dreams about us being together. Even when I'm not trying, even when I'm not thinking of her, I still dream about her. It's the worst. Everything just starts flowing back and the days of self-confidence and will-power I built up is drained away. I end up thinking about whether I should have stuck with having an open-relationship with her or declined it. No matter how much I wish to be with her, declining was the best decision I made.
I may have faults and weaknesses. I have an implosive temper that pops unpredictably. I have quirks and pet peeves. I'm not perfect. But there's one thing that people can count on. My loyalty. Open relationships goes against everything I stand for. It works for some people, but not for me. I can only be true and loyal to one person. That person is the one I love. One day, I am going to show that person my loyalty.
I'm done.
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