Weird Kid

Word of advice to all readers: This will be a heavy reflection on a significant part of my childhood that I know has guided me to what I am right now as an adult. So sorry if I ramble too much.

I was a weird kid growing up. People might have a different view on it, but for me I was definitely a weird kid. I'm saying this because I seem to have a different taste on different things. My approach to food, songs, movies, TV shows and cultures were always at odds with my siblings and cousins.

When I was little, we only had at most 4 channels on TV. We had the top two competing channels ABS-CBN (2) and GMA (7). There also was the RPN9 channel. There was another one which I think is IBF, but I barely remember cause all we get was static. Anyway, RPN9 was the only channel that broadcasts more foreign shows. They had a dedicated time slot on Sunday mornings till mid-afternoon. Before I even knew about other cultures, I was already fascinated with Chinese cinema and drama. This was before I even knew that I have Chinese ancestry. To an extent, I was into Chinese culture at such a young age.

101 Things to Do Before You Die

Inspired to come up with my own list.
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Friends vs Acquaintances

People throw the word friend around too lightly. Whoever is reading, you can call me out on this about your personal opinion on friends and acquaintances.

Ever since I was young, I've met many people that have come and gone. I called them friends. But were my connections with them really what you define friendship? To be precise, the actual term is acquaintance. People tend to get offended by this word and hardly ever use it in social surroundings. Heck, even social networking sites like myspace and facebook let you add and label people as "friends" and not "acquaintances." To be honest, I'd be offended if someone was to tell me that I'm their acquaintance and not a friend. There's such a heavy emphasis on word choices we make that we as a society end up using the wrong term in order not to offend anyone. I'm also at a lose with my viewpoint on friends vs acquaintances. I understand the differences between both concepts. It's easy for me to say if a person or a group of people I hang out with are friends or acquaintances. In practice, I consider them friends even though we have nothing in common. Actions speak louder than words, I guess.

True friendships are born out of time, experience and the emotional connection that you feel towards an individual. A friend is someone who has built a deep connection with you and developed mutual trust, support and effort rather than circumstances. A friend is someone who accepts and appreciates you for who you are. That's the very definition of friendship. In society, we made this term into a superlative we now refer to as "best friend."

Acquaintance: another word literally being erased in modern language and buried in the graveyard dictionary of dead words. Our society is so politically correct and always wants to please everyone that we assigned this unique word a negative connotation. Acquaintance has been replaced by friend. Friend has been replaced by "best friend." Call me a cynic. I find it as another example of the bastardization of the English language. There are just some people that I would rather call an acquaintance, granted a negative connotation is in place. Call me hypocrite. I'm just a hypocrite like everyone else. The only difference: I acknowledge the difference.

Despite all this, I believe you can turn an acquaintance into a true friend. That's what making friends is about. Nobody starts out as friends. You start out as acquaintances. It is up to you and that individual if you want to further this connection from acquaintance to friend. so many "good acquaintances" disappear as soon as some experiences real problems. Sometimes, people are so involved with so much personal stuff that they fail to see their true friends. People who stick around you no matter what the circumstances are your true friends. These are the people we remember and appreciate the most. Without even realizing it, you have a friend.

As a hypocrite of my own volition, I consider myself to have many friends and a few best friends. In reality, I'd rather just have fun with them. We put too much emphasis on labels.

I'm done.

Wet Happy Hour

Not what you are thinking (tsk tsk). It's Diversity month in my company this June. Happy hour was after work from 6-9pm. Bad weather. It almost looked like it wasn't going to rain. Then it just dropped everything in the afternoon. Tstorming. Still went anyway with my team lead. What a relief after yesterday and today morning's events.

They had a wii console out for us. They also had ping pong and a pool table in our private section. Got so tempted to play. I told my team lead I haven't played billiards in a while. He said that's what pool sharks say. I thought it was funny. I don't wanna lie. I'm actually good at the game... a bit frayed and rusty on the side, though.

I ended up playing the Diversity bingo sheets with Y. It's like a bingo board except there attributes in each cell of the 5x5 sheet. We find a coworker who's name tag lists a different country which have different attributes when it comes to greetings, manners, gestures and whatnots.

Went home early at 8:30. Y guessed I'd get home at 10. I actually got home at exactly 10PM... Lucky guess.

That's about it. Time for my sectional FMA marathons (actual marathons makes you tired).

I'm done.

Wraith of Anger

It's not as dramatic as my title, but I hate it when I get mad. I have the worst type of anger. Implosive anger is when you don't let your anger out and keep it inside. Suppressing it down until you can't take it anymore and you just pop (explode). I hate it when I make my family sad when I'm being indifferent. Lately I've been getting mad at the littlest things. There isn't even a reason for me to get mad, but for some reason I just get annoyed.

Earlier during dinner, I'm picking a fight again with my sister by being arrogant and talking as if I'm mad at something. I need to stop doing that. I don't know what to do. Everyone around me is getting affected. I'm just realizing that maybe I'm driving people away on purpose because I subconsciously want them to notice me and ask what's wrong. So far, only my mom can do that. My siblings are scared of me to ask me how I'm feeling. I don't want that. My friends are too chicken to ask. I'm second guessing whether they are really my friend or just acquaintances.

That's kind of the first reason why I don't like hanging out as much in the first place because I don't want to surround myself with people who say they are friends, but don't really act like one. Another reason is that I'm more of a loner than anything else... that's another topic. I am trying my best to make new friends, make amends and rebuild friendships that weren't really there. So far, it's been very productive and helping me deal with a lot of stresses in my life: work, peer pressure, romantic life (yes, I'm a hopeless romantic... deal with it).

If you haven't been following, my girlfriend and I recently broke up. I was really depressed. I had no one to talk to because I isolated myself so much that I would only hang out with my ex. Call my reasons stupid, but I was embarrassed because of my grades being low and not having a job until recently. I thank Y for pointing out the company to me last year. They had me on file and I started working in January. I'm wondering if Y got a bonus. I did tell the recruiters who recommended or introduced me to the company. In fact, I'm still a little bit depressed. However, my outlook in life has changed. To paraphrase a quote I read: men usually reach for the moon for something great and fail to see the flowers blooming at their feet.

When a door closes, a new one opens. It's up to us to go inside that door.

I'll end this post with the words from Fears.Regrets.Desires.

FEARS -

Dying. Flying. Public speaking. Everyone's afraid of something, but few have the guts to confess. Are you brave enough?

REGRETS -

Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. Why would you waste your time crying over spilled milk when you should just get over it? You could start with a confession.

DESIRES -
Sex. Drugs. Rock-n-Roll. You seem like a typical boy or girl next door, but there's a whole different person behind that locked door. Confessing is the key.

Either talk to a real person (friend, family, psychiatrist, etc) or some form of output to release and confess what you want to say (diary, journal, blogs, etc)... it really helps with unloading all that baggage. If we are to name one useful thing that Internet has given us, it's the ability to vent.

I'm done.

It's about a girl

Girlfriend and I broke up almost 3 months ago. The first two months was the hardest. I couldn't sleep right. I was isolating myself. I was getting depressed. I'm surprised I actually survived when all I could think of was how did I let this happen. I just couldn't let her go. She was my first girlfriend and my first love. It saddens me that I can't talk to her like before because we started out as friends.

So the first two months were the hardest as I said before. I literally kept dreaming of her. In my dreams I was so happy. When I wake up I would start crying because it wasn't real. I don't know what's worse: Cutting my sleep so that I don't dream of her as much or wanting to sleep forever so I'll keep on dreaming. My friends tell me the same things: time heals. it takes time. don't think about it too much. My ex and another friend thinks I should find new friends. WTF? Not my fault we share the same friends.

That's pretty much all I thought about. Everything I am now is because she inspired me. She made me want to be a better person than I was. She made me happier than I ever thought I could be. Am I delusional to think such things? All I could think of was wanting to get back with her even though the chances of that happening are very low. I made it worse by being too clingy. I'm not lying when I say I love her. But is it really love? I hate that I'm second guessing myself because I don't even feel the love. It's more of I don't feel as attached as before. Is it a good thing?

All this rambling is caused by yesterday's unintentional meeting with my ex and friends. I was with my family and my dad decided to go to Target before heading home to buy RainEx windshield wipers. To kill time, I walked around and found my friends and my ex. Was it awkward? You bet. Did I start feeling emotional? Yes, but it wasn't the same as two months ago. Two months ago, every time we would meet up, my heart just dropped. This time, my mind was saying "Oh! She's here. Okay, time to move on."

I guess I am getting over her. I did want to move on, stand on my own two feet and walk like I used to. Keeping myself busy definitely helps. As a thinker, my mind wanders and wonders a lot. I'm doing a lot more now than I did in almost 4 years of my relationship with my ex.

- Spending time with family
- Quality time by myself
- Doing the things I like doing
- Making new friends
- Being productive
- etc.

I've rambled on far too long. I'll end this post with a quote from the movie "Up."

"Thank you for the adventure. Now find a new one."

I'm done.

New blog, new start

Hi.

I had a blogspot site before blogs became big. It was for my high school's International Students Organization. I volunteered to create a site for the club: http://lrhs-iso.blogspot.com/ . It doesn't exist anymore. archive.org probably has it on file.

So, my name is stupidsystemus. The original is stupid_systemus. I've had this username for about 10 years now. I was trying to register an email account in Yahoo and all the names I wanted to register were already taken. This back in 1999. I got mad at the site's suggestions to twist my name to something else so it is unique. I was trying to register something max and their suggestion was something maximus. I thought to myself: "this is a stupid system." I was in a hurry and decided to name my yahoo email stupid_systemus. Every since then, this name has stuck.

I wonder: How did other people came up with their usernames?

I'm done.