The Broken Window In My Bedroom

About 7-8 years ago, I broke the window near my desk in my bedroom. My youngest sister from high school brought her friends over again. My mom didn't like them at first. They were different from the friends that she used to hangout with in school. Specifically, they were a rowdy crowd. Ever since she started hanging out with them, her grades dropped considerably. Heck, when she had a one-on-one sit down with her social studies teacher on how she can improve her grade for the semester, he told her that she spends too much time socializing with her new friends.

Other than my mom, I didn't like them. They were loud and came over when our parents specifically told my sister they couldn't come over. They were outside in the front of the house, making lots of noise. I reached the boiling point and snapped for a quick moment. That was enough for me to punch and shatter my window. I had the cuts on my knuckles to prove it. Told my mom I lost balance standing on top of my swivel chair fixing my action figure boxes above my desk. I don't think she believed me. Yeah, I have anger issues, which I'm still coping with to this day.

Fixing the window would have been very expensive. I was a freshman (probably sophomore, depending on how many credits I accumulated) and sure as heck didn't have money to fix it. The least best thing I could do was to cover it up. I removed the broken shards that were already loose and detached. I used the black presentation board I used for my science fair project in high school. It was a bang up job, but it did it's intended purpose. At least, I thought it did.

This was the lower window of the single-hung double pane window frame. The outer glass was still intact, so I had no issues with rain water coming in. I didn't know it was a specially insulated window at time. When I broke the glass, it released the gas (most likely Argon gas) between the glass windows for insulation. The insulation prevented moisture from fogging up the glass and lowered the sound levels from the outside. My cardboard cover-up didn't make the noise any dimmer. The black cardboard also absorbed more heat in the summer.

Over the past few years, I've been looking into fixing the broken window. I'm out of college and working. The only problem is that I wasn't really committed into fixing it. I also dealt with my break up. A few weeks ago, I started looking up ways to fix the window or a replacement. I decided on trying to remove the broken glass shards, remove old putty or caulk, apply the new glass fitted for the exact dimensions (which I thought about cutting myself) and seal it with the new caulk. I bought all the materials I thought I had. On the hardware store, I saw a guy carrying plexiglass. I ended up buying that instead of actual glass.

During my attempt at installing the new glass, I learned that the broken shards are wedged too closely in between the window frame. Fixing this was a lot harder than I thought. My mom told me to do more research on installing a new window. That's how I learned about double/triple pane and single/double hung modern windows. I learned about low-E windows (energy efficient windows), a window's R and U values for insulation and how to remove and insert the sashes from the window frame. I looked up pricing on various hardware stores. None of them are selling single-piece replacements. They also don't have the right dimensions. Our house is 16 years old. The exact model for our windows are probably no longer in stock. The more I looked into it, I realized this would have to be a custom job. I'm ill-equipped to do such a thing. I'd need a professional window technician to do the estimate and measurements, determining whether a simple custom insert replacement window would suffice or a full window frame replacement depending on the wooden frame (will it hold or is it rotten?). I didn't want to make it worse than it already is. Time to call it quits.

Since I removed the black cardboard from before, I made use of the white cardboard canvases I used for my LEGO videos. I cut them to the right dimensions, taped it up and stapled on the window. White should bounce off the heat for the summer. Fixing the window requires a full assessment of all the windows in the house. This will have to do.

I'm done.

What Dreams Tell You?

Too many memorable dreams these past few days.

I've killed this person I disliked in college by stabbing him on two separate dreams. On the first dream, before it ended I hooked up with a silhouette of a familiar girl, but can't recognize her. We sneaked out in the middle of the night and talked and kissed in a jeep.

The second dream was very videogame-like. Yes, I killed and stabbed that guy from college. Then there was a party or parade of some sort and I recognized my best friend from school whom I haven't talked to or seen since 2005. I raised my hand and he sort of recognized me. He's in a metal band and changed his name to Santa (Lucia/Guias) Cruz. It explains why I couldn't find or get a hold of him (It's weird that I vividly remember that name that when I woke up I searched what I remembered on Google).

Just had another dream earlier where I have powers and I was about to move in with this girl I like (who is a mixture of someone very familiar and my co-worker from my last job). Weirdly enough, I ended up being house mates with my former co-worker and her husband, who owned the place and let me live with this girl I like. For some reason another girl appears in the picture and I'm also involved with her. The whole thing is awkward because this girl knows everybody else, yet I already proposed to marry the girl I like. The dream kind of got confused and it appears I promised myself to both of them. I haven't been in this much drama since college and been in a tug-of-war/having to choose/being fought over situation since 6th grade.

So what do these dreams all mean? I don't know. But all these dreams just made me realize something...

... I feel lonely.

I'm done.

Something Lost

I was catching up with a friend who I haven't spoken to in a while online. I don't go on AIM as much as I used to, but it was a nice chat overall. It was the usual small talk. We asked about what we've been up to. We both have similar answers: Work and sleep. We talked about other things, but our brief conversation about work life got me thinking about my current state of mind.

I've blogged about my current job a few times here, specifically its unstable nature (the possibility of my client company not to renew my work contract). I thought I've hit the jackpot with my first job after college. I lasted 2 years with the company. Granted I only worked with one of their client companies for approximately 20 months (1 month of training prior and 3 months on work bench before they let me go). I got the next job 2 months after unemployment. I wished for that job to be as good as it gets, but deep down, I knew it wouldn't last long. The 3rd job was the worst. It was the only job that I knew on the first day I made a bad choice. Worst company ever. I held on and stayed for as long as I could until I got fed up and quit. Then I got my current job.

I was scouring the Internet for IT specialist positions and other computer jobs in my area, sending my updated resume for job postings for 4 months. There were 2 job fairs that I attended that day. I managed to part ways with a few of my printed resumes on the first one. The second one was a bust. That's when I got a call from a recruiter. I was already fielding another recruiter that week, but it's always nice to have more than one. There were 2 separate phone interviews held for my current job. The second interview was more technical. I got a little frustrated when I couldn't answer some of the questions which I knew, but don't recall the correct terminology. I felt that they were going to cut off my interview short. So I kind of blew off on the interviewers. I told them that I've always been stuck, thrown in the fire on my last 3 jobs, not knowing what to do. I managed to come out on top and figure everything. I already called it a miss. I got an offer 2 days later on the Friday before Thanksgiving. They called me in the afternoon, so they gave me until Monday to decide.

Another job I interviewed for was still deciding on whether to hire me. I used my job offer to the other recruiter as a leverage to get an answer from the other company. I had to choose between commuting distance, security and salary. It was a no-brainer. The other job position was 25 minutes away from home, but they haven't given me an offer. So I drove 2.5-3.5 hours to work every day. After working there for a year, I made an arrangement to work from home for 3 days and 2 days at the office. I still would go to the office when I'm needed. I've got the handle on most things for all the applications that our team supports. I've proven myself to work independently and ask questions. There's still that very possibility of my contract ending at a short time's notice. Yet, I've never felt remarkably at ease and exceedingly in my element. That said, I'll have to apologize for the next paragraph.

Life is now just a bunch of chores. I wake up feeling groggy. Exercise. I drive to work or log on to my work laptop from home. Eat meals. Watch TV. Browse online. Social media. Videogames. Sleep. I do these routines in random fashion. Some I don't even do that day. The weekends have been as mundane as ever. These past year, my weekends have been "me time" for the most part. I don't hang out with friends as much as I used to. I certainly don't go out of my way to go to group events and such. It's too boring, but I'm not complaining.

Just a few years prior, I wanted to do something new whenever I can. I don't have the same drive or feeling. Not sure what I'm feeling these days. It's a fine line between contentment and emptiness. This usually leads to me having very deep and existential thoughts right before I go to sleep. Then I wake up and forget about it. I feel like a completely different person. The "me" 5 years ago is strangely foreign and unrecognizable.

Usually, I end my posts with an afterthought where I come to an understanding with all the points I brought up while writing. This time, I don't have an answer. I guess you could say this is just as much of an afterthought, but it's not the same. Something is lost. What "it" was that I had 5 years ago, I want "it" back.

I'm done.

What is the "friend zone?"

I was going to write a big portion of this as a response to another post on Facebook who brought up "friend zone," but I felt it would just fall on deaf ears from single-minded, militant characters.

Can we agree that the act we refer to as "friend zoning" (or whatever you wanna call it) is something that both men/women can do to people who like them whom they don't want to have an intimate relationship or to date?

It's a term ("friend zoned" - a verb) born out of pop culture that puts the focus on the person who does not return the affection. The intended characterization of this act is that you're not really friends, with sarcastic intonation (a heavy dose of double air quotes for emphasis). I can't stress enough the fact that when this was made popular in the show Friends, "friend zone" wasn't an act. It wasn't a verb. It was a metaphorical place inhabited by it's tall geeky mayor, Ross. Rachel really had no idea about Ross' feelings towards her. The only way for Ross to get out of the "friend zone" is to ask her out or he'll be stuck there forever.

Just laying the ground work, inching just a little bit closer to priesthood.

They also used the term in Scrubs. Elliot and J.D. start flirting as if on a date. She acts like she wanted to kiss J.D., and he's confused on whether she was joking or if he should really kiss her. He leans in for the kiss before being interrupted by Dr. Cox, breaking the mood. This puts J.D. under pressure because he only has 48 hours before they both start over-thinking things, Elliot getting invested in the idea of him as a friend, and him getting stuck in the "friend zone."

It's the packaged term for "unrequited love," the other term that puts the focus on the person who can't accept only friendship. Over the years, people have dropped the sarcasm and started using it as an ACTUAL thing, over-analyzed the playful term and put too much meaning behind it.

At the end of the day, it should boil down to these:

1. If people are really genuine about just wanting to be friends with someone who likes them, "friend zone" (modern terminology) doesn't really apply. It's the literal friendship.
2. If you don't want to date them because they are not your type (too ugly, too fat, too skinny, too deformed, eyebrows, etc) and don't care about being friends with them, it's still not "friend zoning." That's just preference.
3. If you're doing #2 and lying about what you really feel ("You're a nice guy/girl, but...") because you don't want to directly reject them and hurt their feelings for various rational/irrational reasons (which are valid for self preservation), such as fear of these people retaliating in some way or spreading true/false rumors about you, it's still just preference, but that's also the "friend zoning" act.

In the right (or wrong?) context, "friend zone" is a misogynistic term. The fact that it usually comes up from guys describing the act done to them by girls is bad enough. It's completely lost its original intended meaning. I just think it's a presumptuous term from the forlorn individual. I don't really agree with the men's rights activist and feminist angles on "friend zone." The term exists, whether we like it or not and both men and women do it to people they have no attraction to. I know, because I did it. The term is also used as an excuse to make yourself feel better about rejection, be it real, perceived or assumed. Since you have no clear evidence for #3,  your deduction of being placed in the "friend zone" is just fantasy.

We can't read people's minds. Objectively, people really care about what others think of them despite what they say to the contrary. They also fear for what people might do in face of rejection, more often projecting what they themselves would do in that situation. So they lie about the real reasons when asked ("Why don't you like me?"). Reiterating my point, since people also fear rejection, they would rather hear a lie than the actual truth.

• "You were not fired, you were let go." Correct.
• "It's not you, it's me." Correct (but could also be bullshit)
• "You're a nice guy/girl, but you're not my type." Also correct, but risky.
• "I just want us to be friends." Correct (whether you really want to be friends or just letting them down easy), but some people are stupid and think they still have a shot ("unrequited love"). Might as well sever it with...
• "I don't feel the same way about you. And I can't be friends with you if you feel that way about me. I just can't keep pretending like nothing has changed."

Brutal, but honest. You'll lose a friend. If you still care about what that person thinks of you, the focus is back on you. Grow up. You can't get 'em all. Write a blog post about it. It well help you sleep better. As far as our current understanding of the term is concerned, you put them in the "friend zone."

If you're in the "friend zone," it's not that bad. Maybe you are not meant to be together with this person. Maybe you'll end up being BFFs and whatnot. Maybe you'll end up imprinting on their kid and be their protector/savior/lover when they age faster than normal humans. Maybe you still harbor feelings for this person and still think you could end up together. Who knows. It could happen, but the focus is back on you.

I'm done.

Ni No Kuni and Coping With Depression

I was planning on writing a game review for Ni No Kuni, but this IGN article perfectly sums up what I feel about this game.

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Why Ollie has a lot more to offer than most JRPG protagonists.

Poor little Ollie isn’t your typical JRPG hero. He doesn’t have spiky hair or carry a sword that’s bigger than he is. He doesn’t brood in the way popularised to stereotype by Cloud or Kaim, nor is he at the opposite end of the spectrum with the relentless and irksome positivity of Serah. He’s not an amnesiac or an elite warrior; he is simply a normal young boy who, because of certain events, wants to do good things for those in need around him.

Oliver’s desire to do right has come at a cost, though. At fault for his mother’s untimely death, he is obviously and understandably distraught, spiralling into three days of wallowing and self-pity. Eventually his tears spring a surprise, breathing life into his cherished cuddly toy who reveals himself as Drippy, a noble fairy from the realm of Ni No Kuni.

Drippy explains that Ni No Kuni is in desperate trouble, the victim of a terror known as Shadar. He requires Oliver, one of pure heart, to help him save his world. Ollie is initially uncertain, but when offered the slightest hope that his aid may save his mother, it’s then he agrees to go on the uncertain journey.

Ollie wants more than anything to return to his old life.

Although it can be easily lost in the game’s innocent and charming setup, what Ollie is doing is blocking out reality in favour of a fantasy world, one that’s a more attractive proposition than his own. In Ollie’s case, what’s particularly interesting is that his fantasy world not only absolves him of any culpability relating to his mother’s death (as Drippy explains to him, it was Shadar’s fault, after all), but it’s also a world in which he believes he can actually save her from death.

Simply put, he has control of his life and a purpose in Ni No Kuni. Without Ni No Kuni, he has nothing; he is alone.

It’s a scenario that’s seems so sad, yet this form of escapism is something that I can absolutely relate to through my own past experiences with depression. I won’t bore you with the finer details, but every time I put a disc in my console throughout my twenties, I was doing exactly what Ollie was; escaping to a place where my problems couldn’t hurt me.

Bad day at work? Rapture offered the intrigue to make me forget. Didn’t feel capable of going outside and facing the world? I delved into the Capital Wasteland instead… or the Ishimura… or Liberty City… or Hyrule... anywhere I could escape my brain. These were all worlds in which I felt I had more control than the real one and they were a massive comfort to me at the worst of times. Game worlds were always my go-to release from the bad times, just as they’re the chosen release of countless others like me.

Like many of those who turn to games as an escape, though, Ollie’s never actually free of his guilt or of his relationship with the real world. The faces he knows from his quaint hometown appear regularly in Ni No Kuni as very different characters (a factor described by Drippy as linked souls), and in a handful of instances, his sadness still gets the better of him externally. Even Drippy is a gift from his mother, his accent and mannerisms all come from her interactions with Ollie.

If you're going to escape to a fantasy world, you could do a whole lot worse...

Despite this, Ollie manages to forget his loss through his escapism, or at least comes to terms with it for a while. In between the reminders, his mourning is replaced by a resolve to help everyone he meets. It might be that he feels that in some way, by doing good in either world, he’s making amends for the events that led to his mother’s demise (at least making progress towards that goal). I like to think, however, that he simply understands. He understands their pain because of his loss and wants to help it stop. Helping people becomes his new coping mechanism in spite of his goal to save his mother, and he revels in it.

In most cases in gameplay, this process simply means locating someone struggling to find the very elements of a person that real-life depression can cripple, such as enthusiasm, courage or kindness, borrowing a sliver from someone who has too much and topping up the sufferer’s heart. The message is simple but effective, and plainly clear from the first moment you undertake this little chain of events. It gets a little more tactile the further you delve, though…

A bit later into the game and Ollie is trying to gain the help of a once great sage. The sage, Rasheed, initially refuses, too worried about his daughter shutting herself off from her loved ones. Ollie travels back to the real world to locate her linked soul, only to find Myrtle, a reclusive young girl who believes she is too sick to leave the confines of her bedroom. Using his magic to break into her house and speak to her, Ollie can sense from her a real fear of her father. A neighbour will shortly confirm your suspicion. Her father, Rusty, has become abusive to both her and his wife.

Myrtle's soul mate Esther joins Ollie on his adventure. It's a soul thing.

After hotfooting it to the father’s garage, Ollie witnesses the abuse first hand. As Rusty works frantically on a car, his wife lovingly brings him a meal, which he hits out of her hands aggressively. Ollie is the only one in the town not to turn a blind eye and confronts the angry father.

It turns out that the man isn’t merely broken-hearted like many others you’ve already helped at this early stage, but a demon labelled as a “Nightmare” has also attached itself to his heart, controlling him, causing him to become a monster terrorising his own family. Ollie must battle the Nightmare to save the man.

In this sense, he literally helps Rusty fight his demons.

This realisation of what the game was tackling hit me like a ton of bricks at this point. As with real depression (and other ailments which can be related, like alcohol or drug addiction, which is my interpretation of how Rusty’s broken heart evolved), you can’t always find the answers yourself; often sufferers require a push from someone, even anyone, to seek the help that is really closer than they realise. For this man, Ollie was the catalyst for his recovery as he was brave enough to speak up, just as my own friends were for me.

I love it when video games can manage to connect at an unexpectedly emotional level, and in Ni No Kuni’s case, I certainly wasn’t expecting it to resonate with me this much prior to starting. Indeed, many reviews hint that it hits all the right emotional high-notes through excellent writing, pacing and character growth, yet it’s the game’s indirect commentary on coping with depression that managed to strike a particular chord. These are just a handful of early examples too; the mending of broken hearts remains a constant theme throughout.

At the centre of it all is the bond that I felt with Ollie in particular, a young man that I had initially thought I’d dislike, but instead grew to look up to and admire. We shared something in common, he and I, and although my own depression wasn’t related to a loss, I fully understood him in his strongest and weakest moments. I found common ground in the ways in which we both chose to cope with our own sadness, our acceptance, and our recovery.

It hits me now that, despite dealing with the morose subjects of loss and depression, Level 5 and Studio Ghibli have avoided the tired genre tropes of the internally angry, disengaged loner and created a protagonist that deals with his anguish in far more human and relatable ways. Because of this, Ni No Kuni might well be one of the most important and relevant JRPGs in more than a decade.

Original article written by Andy Corrigan at IGN.com - Ni No Kuni and Coping With Depression - IGN