Wraith of Anger

It's not as dramatic as my title, but I hate it when I get mad. I have the worst type of anger. Implosive anger is when you don't let your anger out and keep it inside. Suppressing it down until you can't take it anymore and you just pop (explode). I hate it when I make my family sad when I'm being indifferent. Lately I've been getting mad at the littlest things. There isn't even a reason for me to get mad, but for some reason I just get annoyed.

Earlier during dinner, I'm picking a fight again with my sister by being arrogant and talking as if I'm mad at something. I need to stop doing that. I don't know what to do. Everyone around me is getting affected. I'm just realizing that maybe I'm driving people away on purpose because I subconsciously want them to notice me and ask what's wrong. So far, only my mom can do that. My siblings are scared of me to ask me how I'm feeling. I don't want that. My friends are too chicken to ask. I'm second guessing whether they are really my friend or just acquaintances.

That's kind of the first reason why I don't like hanging out as much in the first place because I don't want to surround myself with people who say they are friends, but don't really act like one. Another reason is that I'm more of a loner than anything else... that's another topic. I am trying my best to make new friends, make amends and rebuild friendships that weren't really there. So far, it's been very productive and helping me deal with a lot of stresses in my life: work, peer pressure, romantic life (yes, I'm a hopeless romantic... deal with it).

If you haven't been following, my girlfriend and I recently broke up. I was really depressed. I had no one to talk to because I isolated myself so much that I would only hang out with my ex. Call my reasons stupid, but I was embarrassed because of my grades being low and not having a job until recently. I thank Y for pointing out the company to me last year. They had me on file and I started working in January. I'm wondering if Y got a bonus. I did tell the recruiters who recommended or introduced me to the company. In fact, I'm still a little bit depressed. However, my outlook in life has changed. To paraphrase a quote I read: men usually reach for the moon for something great and fail to see the flowers blooming at their feet.

When a door closes, a new one opens. It's up to us to go inside that door.

I'll end this post with the words from Fears.Regrets.Desires.

FEARS -

Dying. Flying. Public speaking. Everyone's afraid of something, but few have the guts to confess. Are you brave enough?

REGRETS -

Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. Why would you waste your time crying over spilled milk when you should just get over it? You could start with a confession.

DESIRES -
Sex. Drugs. Rock-n-Roll. You seem like a typical boy or girl next door, but there's a whole different person behind that locked door. Confessing is the key.

Either talk to a real person (friend, family, psychiatrist, etc) or some form of output to release and confess what you want to say (diary, journal, blogs, etc)... it really helps with unloading all that baggage. If we are to name one useful thing that Internet has given us, it's the ability to vent.

I'm done.