Word of advice to all readers: This will be a heavy reflection on a significant part of my childhood that I know has guided me to what I am right now as an adult. So sorry if I ramble too much.
I was a weird kid growing up. People might have a different view on it, but for me I was definitely a weird kid. I'm saying this because I seem to have a different taste on different things. My approach to food, songs, movies, TV shows and cultures were always at odds with my siblings and cousins.
When I was little, we only had at most 4 channels on TV. We had the top two competing channels ABS-CBN (2) and GMA (7). There also was the RPN9 channel. There was another one which I think is IBF, but I barely remember cause all we get was static. Anyway, RPN9 was the only channel that broadcasts more foreign shows. They had a dedicated time slot on Sunday mornings till mid-afternoon. Before I even knew about other cultures, I was already fascinated with Chinese cinema and drama. This was before I even knew that I have Chinese ancestry. To an extent, I was into Chinese culture at such a young age.
My first recollection watching RPN9 was a group of long haired guys wearing intricate long clothes fighting in what looks like inside a garden with their hands and feet. When the fight ends, one or all of them would fly to the roof to escape or flee the enemy. I remember myself squatting on the floor facing the TV for hours just watching even though I didn't understand a single word. Some words that stuck with me were 'hao,' 'ho,' 'shi,' and 'bao.' Another show I really liked was of a guy in yellow garb that looks like a monkey and a guy in blue that is a pig. This was the funniest show I would watch on Sundays. This was before I knew it was an adaptation of "Journey to the West."
When it's near lunch time, there's a cooking show where people didn't use spoon and fork. They were using chopsticks, by the way. I would always try to imitate eating that way using barbeque sticks. Whenever I don't have the appetite to eat, I would use barbecue sticks and use them as chopsticks. For some reason, I would regain my appetite and finish my food. I guess it had to with me struggling to pick up the food and that whenever I chance to pick it up, I feel rewarded.
Sometime in 1st grade and onward (6th grade), our province finally got basic cable. Once we installed cable into our house, the floodgates were opened up to me. From 3-4 channels to 40+. This was a big deal. We had shows from Europe, India, Australia, Malaysia, Indonesia, Korea, Japan and China. While my relatives, parents and siblings were only watching anything with Jackie Chan in them, I was watching dramas and other movies. These movies were broadcasted on Australia's STAR Network with subtitles. My English back then wasn't even as good as a conversational level, but it was good enough for me to read the subtitles.
I didn't know most of the titles back then, but here they are. One of my favorites is the "A Chinese Ghost Story" (Sien nui yau wan) series. The first one I saw was the second movie. I really liked movies with Frankie Chan, Leslie Cheung, Anita Mui and Maggie Cheung. Frankie Chan's "Everlasting Rhapsody" (Goodbye My Love) was probably the first Chinese movie that made me cry. Another series I really liked was Mr. Vampire Saga. These were old movies and I just got a chance to watch them thanks to basic cable. My dad would always complain and force me to stop watching tv. He would say that there's no point watching if you're reading subtitles. I would sometimes get mad and storm out the room, taking the remote control with me. Eventually I stopped listening to any thing my aunt or my dad would say just so they can watch what they want. Another thing adults around me would do is tease me, saying I would marry an Chinese girl when I grow up. They always teased me cause I watch too many Chinese/Hong Kong movies. As I kid, I would just cry... nobody likes bullies.
Come to think about it, the only time I would have peace and quiet watching movies alone was past 10 o'clock at night. Back then my curfew was 9PM. I would sneak out the room and watch TV. Sometimes I would sleep till 1AM to 3AM. This was during school week. I guess this is when I started sleeping late. I find the nighttime so peaceful for me. I just realized that over time, I've associated my sleeping late at night to waiting for everyone in the house to sleep before me. There is some truth to that. However, as I just recently remembered, I would wait for everyone to go to sleep so that nobody can disturb me watching TV :) -- not to mention how peaceful it is at night. Don't get me wrong. I like sleep just as much as the next guy. It's just that at night, I find myself at peace.
Sometimes the mind twists the simplest of all answers and come up with some non-sensical reason... that makes me overtly protective. By default, as the eldest of my family, I'm very protective... but not THAT protective. Granted, I don't like it when things get out of hand. I feel helpless when things start losing control around me. I believe, in some small part, I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm very easy going and would go along with anything. I really want things to be carefree. In truth, I want things to go as I envisioned them. I'm easily disappointed. I try not to be. I try to remain calm, but all I'm doing is suppressing my disappointment and eventually in some way or another it will blow up as anger. If you've seen me angry, I can understand if you don't want to see it again. Looking at it from the outside, I'm scared of it.
Lately I've been very open about my feelings and emotions. Blogging about it really helps. I guess you could say I'm trying to find myself. Bit by bit, I'm learning more and more about myself. For example, I've realized I can't control everything. Sometimes things are just out of your control and you have to let them go. Just pat yourself in the back and say "all in good time." Another thing I've come to terms with is that there's no use crying myself over spilled milk. Just learn to stand on my own two feet again and walk like I used to. Whatever happens, happens for a reason.
So I've rambled on for too long. I hope you didn't fall asleep. I know I'm sleepy right now, but that's just me.
I'm done.
I was a weird kid growing up. People might have a different view on it, but for me I was definitely a weird kid. I'm saying this because I seem to have a different taste on different things. My approach to food, songs, movies, TV shows and cultures were always at odds with my siblings and cousins.
When I was little, we only had at most 4 channels on TV. We had the top two competing channels ABS-CBN (2) and GMA (7). There also was the RPN9 channel. There was another one which I think is IBF, but I barely remember cause all we get was static. Anyway, RPN9 was the only channel that broadcasts more foreign shows. They had a dedicated time slot on Sunday mornings till mid-afternoon. Before I even knew about other cultures, I was already fascinated with Chinese cinema and drama. This was before I even knew that I have Chinese ancestry. To an extent, I was into Chinese culture at such a young age.
My first recollection watching RPN9 was a group of long haired guys wearing intricate long clothes fighting in what looks like inside a garden with their hands and feet. When the fight ends, one or all of them would fly to the roof to escape or flee the enemy. I remember myself squatting on the floor facing the TV for hours just watching even though I didn't understand a single word. Some words that stuck with me were 'hao,' 'ho,' 'shi,' and 'bao.' Another show I really liked was of a guy in yellow garb that looks like a monkey and a guy in blue that is a pig. This was the funniest show I would watch on Sundays. This was before I knew it was an adaptation of "Journey to the West."
When it's near lunch time, there's a cooking show where people didn't use spoon and fork. They were using chopsticks, by the way. I would always try to imitate eating that way using barbeque sticks. Whenever I don't have the appetite to eat, I would use barbecue sticks and use them as chopsticks. For some reason, I would regain my appetite and finish my food. I guess it had to with me struggling to pick up the food and that whenever I chance to pick it up, I feel rewarded.
Sometime in 1st grade and onward (6th grade), our province finally got basic cable. Once we installed cable into our house, the floodgates were opened up to me. From 3-4 channels to 40+. This was a big deal. We had shows from Europe, India, Australia, Malaysia, Indonesia, Korea, Japan and China. While my relatives, parents and siblings were only watching anything with Jackie Chan in them, I was watching dramas and other movies. These movies were broadcasted on Australia's STAR Network with subtitles. My English back then wasn't even as good as a conversational level, but it was good enough for me to read the subtitles.
I didn't know most of the titles back then, but here they are. One of my favorites is the "A Chinese Ghost Story" (Sien nui yau wan) series. The first one I saw was the second movie. I really liked movies with Frankie Chan, Leslie Cheung, Anita Mui and Maggie Cheung. Frankie Chan's "Everlasting Rhapsody" (Goodbye My Love) was probably the first Chinese movie that made me cry. Another series I really liked was Mr. Vampire Saga. These were old movies and I just got a chance to watch them thanks to basic cable. My dad would always complain and force me to stop watching tv. He would say that there's no point watching if you're reading subtitles. I would sometimes get mad and storm out the room, taking the remote control with me. Eventually I stopped listening to any thing my aunt or my dad would say just so they can watch what they want. Another thing adults around me would do is tease me, saying I would marry an Chinese girl when I grow up. They always teased me cause I watch too many Chinese/Hong Kong movies. As I kid, I would just cry... nobody likes bullies.
Come to think about it, the only time I would have peace and quiet watching movies alone was past 10 o'clock at night. Back then my curfew was 9PM. I would sneak out the room and watch TV. Sometimes I would sleep till 1AM to 3AM. This was during school week. I guess this is when I started sleeping late. I find the nighttime so peaceful for me. I just realized that over time, I've associated my sleeping late at night to waiting for everyone in the house to sleep before me. There is some truth to that. However, as I just recently remembered, I would wait for everyone to go to sleep so that nobody can disturb me watching TV :) -- not to mention how peaceful it is at night. Don't get me wrong. I like sleep just as much as the next guy. It's just that at night, I find myself at peace.
Sometimes the mind twists the simplest of all answers and come up with some non-sensical reason... that makes me overtly protective. By default, as the eldest of my family, I'm very protective... but not THAT protective. Granted, I don't like it when things get out of hand. I feel helpless when things start losing control around me. I believe, in some small part, I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm very easy going and would go along with anything. I really want things to be carefree. In truth, I want things to go as I envisioned them. I'm easily disappointed. I try not to be. I try to remain calm, but all I'm doing is suppressing my disappointment and eventually in some way or another it will blow up as anger. If you've seen me angry, I can understand if you don't want to see it again. Looking at it from the outside, I'm scared of it.
Lately I've been very open about my feelings and emotions. Blogging about it really helps. I guess you could say I'm trying to find myself. Bit by bit, I'm learning more and more about myself. For example, I've realized I can't control everything. Sometimes things are just out of your control and you have to let them go. Just pat yourself in the back and say "all in good time." Another thing I've come to terms with is that there's no use crying myself over spilled milk. Just learn to stand on my own two feet again and walk like I used to. Whatever happens, happens for a reason.
So I've rambled on for too long. I hope you didn't fall asleep. I know I'm sleepy right now, but that's just me.
I'm done.
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