Woken Up When September Ends

Another month has come and passed.
The gloomy days, they never last.
Woken up when September ends.

What can I say?

For the most part, September has been autumnal: Rainy and gloomy. Not much has happened. I went shopping at an outlet mall with my youngest sister and parents on Labor day. Besides that, there's the part where my job contract with our client ended. I've been on bench now for almost a month. I've been looking for work in other companies. This "headhunter" company has been working with me to get a job that's contract to permanent, depending on project needs. They got me a job interview at T. Rowe Price. The interview went well, but they're looking for someone more senior and with more experience.

It's okay. I was prepared for them to pass on me. Not that I'm being a pessimist. It's just that my previous experience has been monitoring and supporting one application at a time. This job is asking me to support 80+ desktop, web and hybrid applications. I would have taken the challenge, but from a business standpoint, they want someone with more qualifications. The recruiter followed-up with another job position closer to me. I even got him to talk with my former team-lead from my last company for reference. All I need is a callback.

I've been working from home for most of the time with my current job before the contract expired. My job responsibilities have considerably declined. Our client and other teams from different companies have been taking over most of our job functions. My managers informed me and a few other people working in this project of the situation and when their respective contracts end. They've been working to secure this client. A high ranking individual once said in passing that it's their "bread and butter."

Recently, my company did secure the client. This should be a welcome addition to the other client they secured for a hefty sum, spread out to a few years with optional extensions. I've been in contact with my company's technical recruiter. I was so sure that they let me go, two weeks after the contract ended. I talked to him on the phone and he said that I'm still with the company and they're looking to bring me aboard to another project. We've been messaging back and forth with the status of this job. Sadly, he hasn't gotten any response from the project manager. He said he'll let me know as soon as there's news. It's starting to look grim, from my perspective.

***

It's been a while since I've literally sat down and gotten personal on my blog. Most of the time, I'm laying down in bed, propping my upper body with pillows towards the steel-frame headboard with the notebook on my lap. For the past two years, my blog has been filled with lackadaisical updates. Sure, there are times where I'm in the right frame of mind and produce "gems," for lack of a better metaphor. Besides that, I have nothing else to talk about.

My life has been uneventful. I used to have this "I can't wait for what's in store for me today" attitude. I used to write about everything. Even the most mundane events of my life were documented. I enjoy reading them... even subsequent viewings. As for now, when I log on to my account and think about what I did recently, I have nothing to say. My life is so routine that it's not worth writing about. So I stall. I divert my attention to other things. Be it for a quick laugh or random bursts of creativity, it temporarily keeps my mind occupied and prevent myself from facing the truth... I'm lonely.

I've discussed this with someone and she said that loneliness is just an illusion. She told me not to let the illusion become a greater illusion of separation, disconnecting me from the rest of the people. I shouldn't let it hold me captive, like a prisoner... but I did. I fear that past experiences and heartbreak have ruined me.

I guess you could say that I guess you could say that I used to be a dreamer. I dared to dream. I dreamed the dreams. I used to have an idea where my life was headed. Now they're nothing but shattered dreams. The very thought of loneliness occupy my mind every time. Loneliness has made me fearful of my future's uncertainty. Loneliness slowly becomes me. Loneliness is the only constant in my life right now... and I'm tired of it.

I want something real in my life. I want to welcome my unknown future. I want my mind to be filled with goals. I want to dream again. I want the real me back. To do that, I need to reach out. I need to be proactive about things. It's great to have friends that you can depend on. I wish I have many to call "close" friends. But I don't. So I make new friends. I hate to admit. Even with friends, in the end, you only have yourself to depend on. This asshole douchebag that I know was right. I still prefer friends, though.

My friend "Tidus" invited me 3 hours ago to a party early Saturday night. I'm going. This past Thursday, I spoke with another recruiter for a job in McLean, Virginia. I'm meeting him this coming Monday early in the afternoon, just before traffic hits. Halloween is coming soon. I'm gonna start my custom-made Robbie the Rabbit costume. I have a few games that need completing. Time to get busy. Been slacking on unfinished books. Gotta read them. I still have multiple shows untouched in my harddrive. I'll be watching them soon. I still have a Living Social coupon for Korean BBQ in Virginia. Gonna need to plan for that soon.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I'm going to New York again this year from Thursday to Sunday.
September has come and passed. It's the beginning of October. It's a brand new day. I just don't think I'm there yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm done.