Thirty-Two

• In math, thirty-two (32) is the 5th power of two. 32 is the ninth happy number. 32 = 1¹ + 2² + 3^3.
• In science, 32 is the atomic number of germanium. It is the freezing point of water at sea level in degrees Fahrenheit.
• In music, 32 is the number of completed, numbered piano sonatas by Beethoven. It's in the title of They Might Be Giant's "32 Footsteps," Genesis' "The Chamber of 32 Doors," Mr. Mister's "32," and Sum41's "32 Ways To Die."
• There are 32 Kabbalistic Paths of Wisdom. The Hindu deity Ganesh has 32 forms.
• The total number of black squares, white squares and pieces on a chessboard at the beginning of the game.
• There are currently 32 teams in the NFL.
• The number of teeth of a full set of teeth in a human adult, including the wisdom teeth. I only have 28 right now. They took out 5 wisdom teeth when I was 17. Too much wisdom.
• Also, 32 will be me in a few days.

Job

It's been a whirlwind these past few years. Time just went by real quick. My 4th job after college was the longest job I held at 2.5 years. I was 28 when I started. I was a contractor and hoped that it would become permanent. The client company wanted to hire me, but my subcontractor didn't want to lose the spot. I reached the maximum number of hours for contractors. So they had to let me go. They intended on hiring me after 6 months has passed. I wasn't going to wait that long.

From May to October of last year, I was unemployed. I didn't have to wake up early. I didn't have to dress up. As liberating as it sounds, I still had to keep looking. I had money saved up, but I wasn't going to use that. I qualified for unemployment benefits. They deposit an estimated amount to my bank account based on my tax return the previous year. I'd keep getting money each week, provided that I report at least two job contacts each week. I had at least 2-3, maxing at 6 contacts on some weeks. I fielded calls, recruiters, numerous phone interviews, in person interviews, skype interviews... unemployment is busy work.

One job in DC is too good to be true. I was 2nd place and they chose the other person. They opened up a position just so they could hire me sometime in August, but they took too long and did not respond. A was really eyeing this web development job in Baltimore City. They brought me in twice after the initial phone screen and phone interview. They decided on not opening the position and rethinking their plan on the upcoming projects they have. Not sure if they were letting me down easy (bullshit) or they had a change of heart.

I interviewed for a job near the worst company I ever worked for 4 years ago. Turns out they support the same client, but on different projects. I started working back in November. It's a 6 month contract with a possible full-time offer. Out of all my past jobs after college, this is the least technical compared to my last job. I knew this prior to signing the papers. I was hoping there was some leeway with getting into program, but it's not that type of project. We create tickets based on customer/user inquiries about the websites we support. We use pre-approved answers that relate to the specific inquiry. If it's a unique case or something that we don't have access to, we escalate it to the support team or the program team. So when I get free time, I look for ways to optimize certain processes using actual scripts (Excel VBA, batch script, etc). Basically, I'm not challenged enough and I look for ways to challenge myself so I don't get bored.

On top of that, the job in DC opened up. The recruiter texted me a week after I started work. I declined. In January, he texted back saying the job is opening up again and that this time it's direct hire (no contract). I hate it when this happens. Just when I'm settling in my new job with new co-workers who actually understand me and I can hang with outside of work, they spring up an offer that's too good to be true. At the same time, my manager from my last job said they have two openings. And since six months have passed, I'm eligible for becoming a contractor or a full hire. All this from last month. I stopped entertaining the thought of leaving my current job. I just want to do well here. In 3 months, I'll know whether they hire me full time or I'll start looking for another job. I don't think I can do another 6 months of contract work. I'm not getting any younger. I need a full time job with 401k company matching, medical, dental and life insurance and paid time off.

Personal

Outside of work, I'm like a hermit. Other than my friends at work, I don't really hang out much. I go out on Friday nights alone, play at the local Dave n Busters. Sometimes I run into friends and have drinks with them. I watch a movie alone or with my parents if they're watching the same movie as me. Most of the time, I just stay home. I'm content.. sort of. I put a tough face out there, but I'm profoundly sad. There are days where I get sad or feel the existential dread creeping that, instead of curling into the fetal position or cry, it's too much effort that I'm just overcome with apathy.

About 5 years ago, my father's health got worse. Drug use and excessive living has caught up with his diabetes. Any news from the Philippines was mixed with good and bad news. The distance helped in a way. I could consciously block the thought. When I couldn't, I kept myself busy. I was angry when my last relationship ended. That anger helped. It kept the thoughts about my sick father at bay. Over the years, he got worse and worse. His situation was too grave to ignore early in 2013. But I was stubborn. I held a grudge on what he said about my mom and my youngest sister. I used that anger. I was a coward. I had the feeling that his time was coming to an end. I really should have made peace with everything. For over a year, he would call me for various reasons (money or just to talk). I didn't reply. I didn't call back. I let the voicemail pile up. I let the text messages pile up. My sister told me that even though he asks about money a lot, my father just really wants to talk to me. He was lonely. Then didn't call anymore. When he went to my grandma early September 2014, he fell in his room and hit his head. They took him to the hospital. They determined he suffered a stroke. He must have hit his head hard cause his brain was swelling. He was in a coma for a week. Then he died. I cried for two days. Us four (me, my mom and my two sisters) went back to the Philippines 4 days later. We got there at 12 midnight on Sunday. We stayed at the wake the whole day on Sunday. We buried him on Monday. I felt like crying, but I couldn't.

I've cried on several occasions since then. Sometimes it's completely unexpected. When I hear a song. When I see something in a movie. When I see something in the mall. Maybe me being a semi-recluse has something to do with denying the hurt and the regret I feel about my father. I wish I was more forgiving. I wish I have better voicemails of him on my phone. I wish I remember better conversations with him. I wish I have videos and more pictures of him. I wish I had a better relationship with him. I wish I don't have to feel this way. (I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm diving into my feelings. I'm in it right now.)

...

On the bright side, I try to find happiness in the little things. I do need to take better care of my health. I appreciate what I have. Helping others. Giving back. I'm grown up enough already. I'm the only thing I can be. Me.

*becoming*

I'm done.