Made Up Word Meanings

The Washington Post has a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for words. Here are some winning entries:

• Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
• Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
• Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

In another Washington Post contest readers are invited to change a word by one letter and give an amusing meaning.

• Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
• Decaflon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• DeJaNesia - the feeling that you've forgotten this before (Denny)
• Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

I'm done.