Maybe it's cause I'm running on low batteries (haven't slept since yesterday afternoon), but I've spent the past hour weighing in on my career path and whether I'm on the right track... while at work, looking at job openings.
I'm good at my job. The thing is, I don't like it. I've tried to find at least 1 reason to like it. None. Maybe it's the environment. Maybe it's because I don't get along with anybody here. I'm good with my team project-wise, but we have nothing in common. They are married with kids. They have their own lives to deal with. The people that are my age are at the other building, but my current position demands my undivided attention.
I know these are selfish reasons. I know I don't have to make friends at work. But I don't really have anybody to go home to. I don't have friends I'd like to hang out with near me. The friends that are near don't like the things I do. I'm at the point where I'm done trying to fit in. Fuck compromises. The only reason I'm still living at home is because of the familiarity that family brings. Just being around someone you feel safe with. I have the means to live alone, but I don't think I'll be able to handle it.
There are times where I want to be surrounded by friends or people, just in general. Half the reason I still bother to go to malls and the theaters is so I can hear other people's voices besides mine. The same with clubs. I don't go alone to enjoy. Just having people around is comforting.
Then there are times where I just want to shut everyone out. Sometimes I don't like having company when I'm watching movies. I've avoid my friend Titus for almost four months. He's the one who invited me out of nowhere cause him and his coworkers need a designated driver to go clubbing. Any other time, I would have joined him. That time, I declined. I was being selfish. I didn't want the hassle.
Don't know if I'm mad at the world or myself. I can't really use the "still not over my ex" excuse. That ship sailed long time ago. It probably made me sadder when I was no longer heartbroken a few months after the break up. That probably became my drawn out heartache. I don't know. I was so broken, it probably broke me. Is that why I don't know? Was I saddened it ended or maddened I wasted my time? Were my emotions fueled by the life, I thought, un-lived?
I have a good job that's safe for the current economy with great pay. I'm single and have all the time in the world, yet I'm not happy. That's depression. I'm not sure if I am. Why do I make excuses? Is "it" really what it is? Am I at fault? I don't know anymore. I know I'm not scared of being close to people. Why do I feel like I push them away?
Friends and family are getting married and having babies left and right, forging new connections, starting anew. Why this self-burdened reflection on my life comparing others? Why this self-imposed image of what I am? Had, have or will?
I've been alone in the house for 2 weeks. Never have I felt so free and so lonely. I graduated college 5 years ago. I'm still me... Older, wiser, heavier, angry, hopeful, alone.
Maybe it's just the caffeine taking.
I'm done.
I'm good at my job. The thing is, I don't like it. I've tried to find at least 1 reason to like it. None. Maybe it's the environment. Maybe it's because I don't get along with anybody here. I'm good with my team project-wise, but we have nothing in common. They are married with kids. They have their own lives to deal with. The people that are my age are at the other building, but my current position demands my undivided attention.
I know these are selfish reasons. I know I don't have to make friends at work. But I don't really have anybody to go home to. I don't have friends I'd like to hang out with near me. The friends that are near don't like the things I do. I'm at the point where I'm done trying to fit in. Fuck compromises. The only reason I'm still living at home is because of the familiarity that family brings. Just being around someone you feel safe with. I have the means to live alone, but I don't think I'll be able to handle it.
There are times where I want to be surrounded by friends or people, just in general. Half the reason I still bother to go to malls and the theaters is so I can hear other people's voices besides mine. The same with clubs. I don't go alone to enjoy. Just having people around is comforting.
Then there are times where I just want to shut everyone out. Sometimes I don't like having company when I'm watching movies. I've avoid my friend Titus for almost four months. He's the one who invited me out of nowhere cause him and his coworkers need a designated driver to go clubbing. Any other time, I would have joined him. That time, I declined. I was being selfish. I didn't want the hassle.
Don't know if I'm mad at the world or myself. I can't really use the "still not over my ex" excuse. That ship sailed long time ago. It probably made me sadder when I was no longer heartbroken a few months after the break up. That probably became my drawn out heartache. I don't know. I was so broken, it probably broke me. Is that why I don't know? Was I saddened it ended or maddened I wasted my time? Were my emotions fueled by the life, I thought, un-lived?
I have a good job that's safe for the current economy with great pay. I'm single and have all the time in the world, yet I'm not happy. That's depression. I'm not sure if I am. Why do I make excuses? Is "it" really what it is? Am I at fault? I don't know anymore. I know I'm not scared of being close to people. Why do I feel like I push them away?
Friends and family are getting married and having babies left and right, forging new connections, starting anew. Why this self-burdened reflection on my life comparing others? Why this self-imposed image of what I am? Had, have or will?
I've been alone in the house for 2 weeks. Never have I felt so free and so lonely. I graduated college 5 years ago. I'm still me... Older, wiser, heavier, angry, hopeful, alone.
Maybe it's just the caffeine taking.
I'm done.
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