A Paradigm Shift

I've come a long way from my middle school and high school days where I'm content being alone. Playing computer games, browsing online, be engaged in learning songs on the piano, guitar, drawing, etc.

Ever the perfectionist, I spent hours fully-beating a game. "Completist" is probably the right word for it.

I used to spend hours past midnight learning piano pieces for the sake of learning and showing what I learned to my family and best friend.

I learned how to draw through tracing and observation. My painting instructor when I was 7 taught my sister and I the basics of light and dark, contrasts, blending in colors, shades, making objects pop out of the picture through light and dark palettes, etc. Heck. If you give me an easel, a canvas, paints and oil, I'd spend hours on it.

Creating games, I was all into this in high school. I had this whole epic story about a jail break, where citizens were unjustly imprisoned for being different. Three of the characters break out of prison. They were to meet other characters in separate towns and prisons all over the world. There was magic, comedy, conspiracies and existentialism. This was a world I created with my hyperactive imagination before I turned 18.

The map of the world for my game. Grass, trees, mountains, deserts, lakes, oceans... I have everything here. This doesn't include the world above.

Then college happened. With less time on my hands, I dabbled on other things. Gaming took a step back in a way, but not entirely. I started doing comics to pass time. I would enter game-making contests from time to time. There was the Pac-Man-style game I made and the incomplete Wall-E puzzle-type game.

I've been working for more than 2 years now out of college. It feels like my creativity has taken a nose dive. There are occasional bursts of creativity once in a while, but they're short lived.

I've reached an understanding with myself that I'll have to separate my job with my passions. Ideally, it would be nice to work on something that you like or you're passionate with. But it's not the case. Take my example...

I work in the computer industry. I like videogames. I used to make games for myself as a hobby. Social networking is just so big right now. If you're working a 9-5 job (or whatever weird hours you're needed), the last thing you want to do is more of it.

Trust me. You will burn yourself out. I've been there.

I try to hang out with my friends on weekends. I wasn't the socializing type in high school. I have college to thank for that. I enjoy hanging out with people. Even so, I didn't like the fact that I couldn't have more alone time with what I want to do. There were months where I was a hermit, literally unavailable. I just wanted to be alone and do my own things. It's safe to say that I took having people close to me for granted. It was a hard lesson to overcome.

I do some of my best work alone. I have to be focused and driven to accomplish something. Whether it be drawing, learning a song, or coding assignment projects in school, I'm on it. I don't feel hungry. I don't feel sleepy. That's passion. My adaptability, retentive memory and fast-learning is the perfect mindset with my job, as well as with my creativity. So therein lies the dilemma.

This constant battle with self-reliance and dependence is a skill in and of itself. If would be much simpler if I could go back to being a loner. They say I can't have both, that I have to sacrifice to gain something. I've seen the pros and cons.

I want both.

I'm done.