Would I...?

[Written after I wrote everything below]

This will probably be my closest to an unofficial analysis of the movie, 500 Days of Summer. I found myself writing, freethinking and this is what I came up with.

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I've wrestled with this idea for the longest time which I will talk about in the end. Not once did my answer waver since it always had been a constant yes. There are many things that drive people nuts in these situations.

One thing that probably drives most people insane in these situations are the incessant thinking of "what-ifs."

- What if I treated her nicely?
- What if I didn't make her cry?
- What if I could have been there for her when she needed me?
- What if...?

After watching 500 Days of Summer, it only reinforced what I already figured out by myself and then some. Another thing that drives people crazy, as succinctly pointed out in the movie, is that we tend to only remember the good stuff. This rings true for me and I'm sure it rings true for everyone else. We usually keep in mind the good stuff because they are the most memorable. We tend to ignore the bad stuff because they can ruin our day. Note that I worded it as 'keep in mind' the good stuff and 'ignore' the bad stuff. The truth is, we remember everything. What matter's is the degree of importance.

If we were asked to remember something from the past, if we are comfortable sharing with anything, we usually remember the bad memories. Bad memories have a profound impact on our psyche and can be forever ingrained in our mind. With these memories we try to suppress it, hence ignored. The good memories are kept in the back of our heads, hence kept in mind. The only time we get to remember them is when we are reminiscing about it. I'm not a psychologist, but I guess that's just how the mind works. Our brain is always constantly reminding us of the bad stuff so we can avoid it. Our brain stores the good stuff so we know what to look forward to when the occasion arises.

In a break up situation, we cling on to the good stuff. We just can't help it. The thing is, it doesn't do us any good. In the movie, Tom and his sister, Rachel, had a one-to-one moment in the bleachers during her soccer game/practice. This is what she said:

"Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again."

... After this scene, she changed into her costume and slaughtered 30 people as Hit-Girl. (Just kidding).

There are so many things you overlook. I figured this out before the movie put them into words. When you care for someone, you tend to overlook their bad personalities. This does not go over without consequences. If there's a bad trait, characteristic, or personality that you hate about someone and you ignore it just because you care about them... you're lying to yourself. This is just a recipe for disaster waiting to happen. In my case, I ended up putting all the ingredients in the pot, stir-fried whatever was in it for 4 years, not knowing what would happen until it just exploded.

Just like Tom, I grew up thinking about finding the right one. Partly, I probably allowed to fool myself into thinking she's the one. I probably mentioned this a long time ago in one of my blog entries, but when I was a kid my aunts, uncles and elders always teased me that when I grow up, I would end up marrying a Chinese girl because of my passion for watching Chinese TV and movies with English subtitles even when I barely spoke English and probably the equivalent of a 3rd grade English-language comprehension. I would hog the remote control just so they don't change the channel while I am watching a Chinese Ghost Story 2.

I never really cared about the teasing and I probably would have forgotten about it until I met my ex and her friends. The thing about the good stuff, the good memories, is they can be pretty insignificant, and yet you somehow find meaning from it if circumstance allows you. I fell for my ex's best friend. She tried helping me to be with her best friend. In the process she fell for me. I gave it a shot and we fell in love. I couldn't write this stuff up even if I wanted to.

- What if my mom didn't take the job here in the US 14 years ago?
- What if I decided to stay in the Philippines instead?
- What if my mom didn't decide take us with her to the US for a better life?
- What if we didn't stay in Maryland?
- What if we didn't move to Howard County?
- What if I decided to go to College Park instead of UMBC?
- What if I didn't hang out in the UMBC Gameroom?
- What if I walked the stairs up to the Gameroom instead of taking the elevator with her?
- What if...?

Of all the forks in the road of what ifs, because I was in this path, it led me to her... Someone who cares a lot about others before herself. Someone who understands you. Someone who respects her elders even when they treat her badly. Someone who fell in love with me. A Chinese girl. For me, this was destiny. But I was a fool. Part of me wanted it to be a fairytale ending. I thought of her as the Chinese girl that my elders told me I would marry when I was a kid. I allowed myself into the delusion when it was clear that things were slipping and falling apart. Even though it takes two to part, I can honestly say I only have myself to blame.

But just because it wasn't the fairytale ending that I wanted, it doesn't mean I stopped believing in finding the one. Just like the conversation between Summer and Tom in the movie:

Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.
Tom: Yeah. And... so?
Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was - it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.
Tom: No.
Summer: Yeah, I did. [laughs]
Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.

So now it's time for me to come back to what I started. I've had a little more than a year to figure this out and think this through. If circumstances were to happen and my ex were to show up on my doorstep and ask to take her back... would I take her back?

The answer is a big N-O. No. I know things change and that there might be a possibility that we would be compatible and truly understand each other. But I finally realized that you can't change or treat someone into something they are not. I'm sure my ex had her reasons for falling for me. Maybe it's because she pitied me because her best friend didn't like me. Maybe because she heard about what happened to me when I was a kid and couldn't help herself but want to take care of me. Whatever her reason for liking me, I'm just as sure that she figured out we were not meant to be together way before me. For what it's worth, she's my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. We'll both find other people in our lives. We might find the one. The important thing is... I've finally moved on.

To take what Tom's friend, Paul, said about her girlfriend, here's what I have to say.

Someday I'll find the girl that's better than the girl of my dreams... she's real. I'm talking about you.

^__^

I'm done.